Did you make it into the newest Breaking Madden? Goodness, I hope not. Please enjoy these terrible stories from people who are terrible family members.
Welcome back to Breaking Madden Roster Cuts, y'all! I started this feature last year, and in short order it proved to be almost as popular as Breaking Madden itself. I am super excited to bring it back, because it's basically me just asking y'all to do your work for me, only I get paid at the end of the week and you don't. Y'all suckers. Anyway, here is the setup for Season 3, Episode 2 of Breaking Madden:
Music: "Maggie's Farm" by Rage Against The Machine
In short:
- I convert Robert Griffin III to defensive end, completely max out all his skill ratings, and trade him to the Dolphins (Washington's Week 1 opponent).
- I cut every real-life member of the offensive line from Washington's roster, and replace them with the most useless weaklings in the history of football.
- I play through Washington's entire 2015 schedule. Each week, I trade Defensive Man-God RGIII to Washington's next opponent, so they have to face him all season.
I'm doing this because:
- RGIII is an awesome player, and Washington has managed by one means or another to sap him of all his fun.
- As a sort of last straw, after demoting RGIII to third on the depth chart, Washington made him play safety on the practice squad.
- In the race for America's most deplorable sports franchise, Washington's NFL team has lapped them all. They play in a shitty place, they're owned by a dumb asshole, and their name is so offensive that a considerable slice of the media isn't even comfortable saying it out loud, even though saying it out loud is kind of their job.
RGIII's replacement at quarterback is Kirk Cousins, and he is being rewarded in this scenario with the worst offensive line in NFL history. I'm trying to destroy him, clearly.
I need offensive linespeople who will not look out for their Cousins. So this is how I recruited them:
if you would like to be in the next Breaking Madden, please tell me about a time you were a shitty family member
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) September 16, 2015All ten of them are five-foot-nothing, weigh 160 pounds, and are horrible at every single skill related to the sport of football. Here they are:
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(There are four No. 1 jerseys due to fallout from a glitch. Don't worry. We will get to that in Breaking Madden.)
Here are their stories:
No. 3: SkiChik
@jon_bois I abandoned my brother at a renaissance festival to hunt down a turkey leg. Security found him hours later dressed in chain mail.
— SkiChik (@skichik15) September 16, 2015The worst thing about renaissance festivals is that if left unattended, your little brother will be drafted into knighthood. The second-worst thing about them is that they are things that have literally anything to do with European mythology. There is far, far too much of this shit, and I've reached my saturation point. I won't watch "Game of Thrones," even though it's probably fun. I haven't seen any of the new Hobbit movies, even though I loved the book as a kid. If I see one more sword or castle or any other shit like that ever again, I will die. That is hard to avoid in this day and age. This, example, is the upcoming video game release calendar:
September 29th
War of Swords
Sword War
War Weapon 3: War of Sword
October 5th
Stryfe: Medeieivieial Renenessisiananannce Europe Dragon Shit
SwordWoryld Of Majick!
Ryse: Son Of Rome, Which Is What Some Dumb Assholes Actually Called A Game On Purpose
October 12th
War Of Games: GameWarz
War Sword Warsword Warz War: Sword
WizardzQuest IV: Women Are Imaginary
Dragon Knightquest Witch Man: Old Stuff
October 19th
Something With Literally One Person In It Who Isn't White, Hahahahahahahahaahahahahaha No I'm Just Fucking With You, Aaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah You Believed Me You Fucking Dolt
October 26th
Women Be Damselin'
I Enjoy Fantasy In Principle But I Have No Creativity So Here's Some Swords And Castles And Other Shit That Is The Exact Same Shit We All Dump On You Every Single Time
Weapyn Swordweapynnnnnnn
No. 4: Luke Zimmermann
@jon_bois Was home from college. Had too much to drink. Got home, threw up in the sink, clogged it, turned it on, passed out, flooded house.
— Luke Zimmermann (@lukezim) September 16, 2015Expounding on this too much would feel to me like Telestrating over Raging Bull, so I want to gently step out of the way, but first I want to say this: that must have been the chunkiest puke of all time.
I mean, I'm considering the chunkiest chili I've ever made, and I'm trying to picture whether it would clog my kitchen sink if I straight-up poured it into the drain. I don't think it would! I mean, not entirely. It would slow down the works, but I can't imagine it acting as a waterproof sealant.
So Luke's barf was of a more solid consistency than chili, it seems. Consider also that in order for this flooding to happen, there must be enough water to fill up an entire sink before spilling over. A cubic foot of water weighs about 40 pounds, so ... this vomit is sturdy enough to support at least 100 pounds of water.
Luke, did you barf molten steel? Do you have any idea of how rad that is? Why aren't you in the X-Men? Are you in the X-Men?
No. 7: Jane Coaston
@jon_bois my mom fell down the stairs trying to stop me at age 1 from falling down the stairs and i laughed and laughed and laughed.
— Jane Coaston (@cjane87) September 16, 2015My theory is that many babies have a more informed sense of humor than many adults.
A lot of modern humor is really just referential humor, like a Family Guy cutaway. That humor absolutely kills these days, and I want to stress that this isn't bad! It's cool to like the kind of humor you like, just like it's cool for me to enjoy $8 bottles of wine thanks to my under-developed palate, which I'm grateful for. I think that sort of humor is really just costumed pattern recognition, though. The laughter is a sort of satisfaction similar to that felt when you finally pencil in 11 across.
But when a baby laughs, it's because the baby finds it intrinsically, irreducibly funny. It's just as well that babies can't talk, because trying to explain the humor of that moment is like trying to explain what a quark is made of.
No. 1: Kit Smoker
@jon_bois I handcuffed my cousin to a chair and left him there while the rest of the cousins went to an Amish swap meet for Bon jovi tapes
— Kit Smoker (@Son_Of_Zoltan) September 16, 2015I'll argue that the cassette tape was the most beautiful of all audio media formats. Watching our music in action now, of course, is like trying to pick the salt out of a stew; it's so completely permeated into other things and systems that a song is barely even a noun anymore, in the sense that a run or a jog is only barely a noun. Five years ago we still had our MP3s, which, while not actual things themselves, were at least things we could isolate and observe and move around through desktops and folders in an abstract way.
CDs are neat because they involve lasers, but also because they let us listen to something in 1990 that was actually superior in sound quality to what I listened to on my phone this morning. Vinyls are neat, and people who talk about their audible "warmth" aren't lying, but they're way too much of a pain in the ass for me to even pretend to mess with.
The cassette player was easy to store and basically impossible to scratch. You could actually see wheels turn. You could see the tape on one spool stack up, and the tape on the other spool thin out! A six-year-old could stare at it for a minute and basically figure out what was going on with it! When's the last time you could glance at the inner workings of a machine and instantly suss out how many minutes are left in 2 Legit 2 Quit?
Their imperfections were either mysterious or terrifying. They were mysterious when you actually, for the first time ever, waited until the tape on Side 1 completely ran out, and upon flipping it over you realized you had never even heard the first song on Side 2 before. They were terrifying when suddenly, and without reason, the tape would squeal in anguish as the player devoured it, like a tarantula eating a mouse. Your music was dead, and you got to hear it die.
Bon Jovi and Amish folks are cool! You should not have handcuffed your cousin to a chair! Suit up.
No. 9: T.J. DeRitis
@jon_bois Popped all my dad's US state quarters out of their decorative plaque he had been collecting for years to buy a cheesesteak.
— TJ DeRitis (@TJFatStax) September 16, 2015Objectively, this is not as bad as barf-flooding your family's house or consigning your little brother to charge into battle for a faceless feudal lord. This one, though, is the one that makes me feel really, genuinely bad, because it fulfills the following conditions:
- Dad
- Dad maintains a very modest hobby, perhaps the most modest possible hobby
- Dad's humble little hobby involves collecting individual quarters, and it's quite difficult not to imagine his face lighting up as he pulls it off the counter at the gas station and folds it into his big work-worn hands
- Further, it is very easy to imagine Dad at home later, squinting as he gingerly pops his little quarter into its slot, then holds the board at arm's length to behold his little kingdom
- It's suuuuuuch a stuuuupid hobby, but maybe it's not? Maybe his life is exhausting and complicated, and a simple hobby is a nice little respite for him? Which inspires more pity?
- This little tiny pitiful humble island in his life is all he asks for. He has committed his life to raising you, and still does. He keeps only this one little bit for himself. And it is enough. He beholds it, in his own little company, when no one is there to mock him, and he smiles.
And you fucked it all up. God, I want to cry.
No. 1:
@jon_bois I once served my sister pickle juice in a Mt. Dew bottle.
— Alex Hider (@alexhider) September 16, 2015Well, that certainly is not a nice thing to--
BAH GAWD THAT'S YOUR SISTER'S MUSIC
@alexhider@jon_bois I should get my name in Breaking Madden instead for being forced to deal with that.
— Anna Hider (@AnnaHider) September 16, 2015I agree. You know what, Alex, Anna just took your spot. You're out. Now that we--
BAH GAWD THAT'S YOUR OTHER SISTER'S MUSIC
@AnnaHider To be fair, we did serve @alexhider toaster waffles with habanero pepper. And pizza rolls filled with mayonnaise. @jon_bois
— Julia Hider (@JuliaHider) September 16, 2015Pizza rolls filled with mayonnaise? Like, you actually made pizza rolls from scratch, which is something I have never heard of anyone doing, and filled them with mayonnaise, and oh God, that means you baked mayonnaise for a half-hour. Y'all, that is gross. All three of you will share one player under your last name, because siblings love sharing.
No. 1: Beej
@jon_bois made them waste thousands of dollars on a wedding
— beej me more (@BeeJMeMore) September 16, 2015The desire for a day to be perfect is an emotional illness, and the idea that this perfection can be bought by blowing through $10,000 or $20,000 or more in a single day is an idea shared by scared, stupid people. Weddings are a cultural barnacle that we will probably never chisel out. If I ever get married, I'll probably end up cowing to some of the shallow dumbass things I detest about them. But for now, I am not, and I guarantee that none of the money you spent on your wedding beyond the first, I don't know, one or two thousand bucks increased everyone's net happiness. Given how anxious you were over everything being perfect, Hell, you probably dragged it down a couple pegs. I want to note that I am talking about everyone's wedding, but specifically, reader, I am talking about yours.
No. 18: Collingborn
@jon_bois locked my nan in a broom cupbaord
— Liam Collingborn (@liamcollingborn) September 16, 2015This is funny, but I'm gonna level with y'all. This one got pushed over the top because it's the most British tweet I have ever seen.
No. 1: Sanchez
@jon_bois My little brother was quietly watching me play Zelda and I smashed a TV remote over his head. Batteries flew everywhere.
— Rark Muffalo (@DblDickSanchez) September 16, 2015Younger siblings are shorter, slower, dumber, and weaker than you. If they aren't for hitting with absolutely no cause, I don't know what the hell else they would be for.
No. 19: OhYouLancyHuh
@jon_bois I wrote my parents this note at approx age 9 for making their life a living hell (probably over a haircut). pic.twitter.com/K4rD20ghJM
— Ryan (@OhYouLancyHuh) September 16, 2015I think being a kid takes the sort of fortitude that would kick your ass and mine today. We're adults. We're used to some degree of agency over our lives. We can do things we want to do, we enjoy the simple dignity of choosing when we go to bed, and if we are sitting in school or church, it was our idea.
Being parented is an absolutely necessary oppression, but it is an oppression, and speaking only for myself, it exhausted me. I had a great childhood relative to other childhoods, but I still find the stresses and hard work of adulthood to be far easier, because I would rather chop wood than feel sad, and if I am sad, I would rather do something about it than sit there and be made to told that I shouldn't be sad.
The struggle to be a good short little person while living in that maelstrom of childhood seems almost Herculean. It really is something to see a kid who tries, or who ever wants to.