Earlier this week, a video showing a rat carrying a slice of pizza down some stairs went viral. After taking several days to properly assess this video, Jon is at last ready to issue an explainer.
This video is extraordinarily difficult to explain, but I will do my best. It appears as though the top part of your laptop -- the screen part -- is shooting out an array of lights that create the illusion of a live, rectangle-shaped event occurring in the middle of your computer! But it is only a trick. Here is Pizza Rat.
How come the rat ate the people food
Well actually, I guess the rat didn't technically eat it. But still, it's a slice of pizza, which are meant for people to eat -- not rats. How come the rat was bothering with people food instead of finding rat food to eat? There must be plenty of rat food in the subway, because otherwise, the thousands of rats who live down there would not be able to survive.
I decided to reach out to Jeremy, a rat expert.
@jon_bois rat expert here. i have no idea.
— Jeremy Chappell (@Jeremy_Chappell) September 25, 2015Even though he's a rat expert, Jeremy was unable to explain it.
The pizza wasn't made for a rat to eat
Pizza is made of three ingredients: dough, pizza sauce, cheese, pizza ovens, and a pizza restaurant. And all of them are meant for people. For example, these are some of the times I can definitively remember eating pizza:
- 1988, pizza my dad made, Kansas City, Kan.
- 1992, Godfather's Pizza delivered to my friend's house, Kansas City, Kan.
- 1993, at a friend's birthday party, Atlanta, Ga.
- 1995, Lunchables Pizza at my house, Atlanta, Ga.
- 1997, I can't remember why but it was at my house, Louisville, Ky.
- 1999, Papa John's at the school cafeteria, Louisville, Ky.
- 2002, pizza at some kind of "pizza restaurant" [sp?], Washington, D.C.
- 2004, I think it was like Pizza Hut, Roanoke, Va.
- 2005, I don't remember, Blacksburg, Va.
- 2007, I don't know
- 2008, pizza I ate at my friend's house while watching America's Funniest Videos, Louisville, Ky.
- 2011, pizza my friend and I got from Papalino's because there was a tornado nearby and they let us hang out in the basement and gave us some free pizza, but Papalino's is closed now, Louisville, Ky.
- 2013, pizza I made, Montreal, QC
- 2014, some pizza I got from a "pizza joint" [sp?], New York, N.Y.
- 2015, another pizza I made at home, New York, N.Y. [NOTE: this pizza has already been eaten]
- The future: Future Pizza
This is not even a complete list -- I've probably eaten pizza a hundred times.
This is evidence that pizza is for people.
Because I'm not even a rat.
I'm a guy.
How does the rat know what pizza is
It's wrong to call rats stupid, because they cannot help it. But they don't understand language. How could the rat get the pizza if the rat didn't even know what pizza is called?
I tried to reach out to another rat expert, but unfortunately he just wanted to talk about other stuff.
@jon_bois I think this whole balloon boy deal is a bunch of hot air
— Shulk Hogan (@SkirkLee) September 25, 2015Why is the pizza a triangle
Pizzas are round. Occasionally they are rectangular, but only if you are in jail. They are never triangles.
How come the rat can go down stairs
They don't even wear shoes. If a rat tried to wear shoes, the rat would just fall into one of the shoes and disappear. I mean not literally magically disappear, you just couldn't see the rat.
Someone videotaped it instead of calling the police
The police would have known what to do. I call 911 every day to find out the latest sports scores. If they know those, then surely they would be able to explain the pizza rat and know what to do.
You can comment on this article with rat information or anything else you would like to say, but unfortunately I will not be able to pay you.