Would you like to play Jon's Farming Simulator?

Would you like to be a farmer? Well, you can't, because farming isn't real. That's why I have created Jon's Farming Simulator. Haul your feed back to the farmstead as quick as you can, and save the day!

Last year, I attempted to spark competition with the NBA 2K franchises by releasing Jon's Basketball Game into the market. It was ultimately a flop for many reasons, namely:

• It was not actually a playable game
• Players were more likely to be exploded with dynamite or have a locomotive crush them to death than actually play basketball
• It lacked an official NBA license

After going back to the drawing board, I am once again ready to publish a video game using the robust Garry's Mod engine. This time, some of you will even get to play! Here's how.

Welcome to Town. It is a town I designed.

In this town is a merchant who is prepared to sell you barrels of chicken feed -- and as fate would have it, that's just what you need! You're not about to let your chickens go hungry, are you? Some farmer you'd be!

In every race, there are four cars. Each car is towing a little wooden wagon. That's where you and your barrel of feed will sit.

That's you! Look at you! You look so happy with your chicken feed, and so proud of the profession you have chosen. Now hold on tight, because it's time to go for a ride!

This is an example of a well-piloted feed run. The farmer and his feed are headed to the farm at a steady clip, but not so fast that the feed will be knocked overboard. See all that exhaust? That's coming from the two thrusters I attached to the back.

All y'all who play will be racing each other, four at a time. All I'm going to do is hold down the thruster. Now, this is where you come in: you choose how powerful your thrusters will be, how many thrusters you will have, and where you would like to attach them.

Please let me know by filling out this form. If I choose you, I will rig up a car just for you, based on your exact specifications!

Later this week, I will rig up these cars accordingly, run the races, and share the video/GIF evidence with all of you.

AN IMPORTANT WORD OF PRECAUTION

After conducting a series of test runs, I strongly recommend a number of safety guidelines. Although you are allowed to set your thrusters to a maximum power of 10,000, I urge you in the strongest possible terms not to exceed 400 to 500. If you exceed that power rating, you run the risk of losing control of your car, feed barrel, and/or wagon, and you subject your wagon-riding person to injury.

Additionally, since you are simply trying to drive straight forward toward the farm, I strongly recommend placing a modest number of thrusters -- perhaps two or three -- at the rear of the car. In this example, I have placed two:

And would you look at that! It's a swift, yet easy ride for you and your barrel of feed! With this balance of speed and safety, you'll make it to the farm in no time!

There is really no reason to place thrusters on the front, left side, right side, or hood of your car. Please do not do that.

Hope to hear from you soon. We'll be back later to watch some fun wagon races. Until then, happy farming!

AN ADDITIONAL WARNING

Please adhere to the thruster guidelines I have laid out here. Once again, I am compelled to warn you that failing to do so may lead to wagon damage or loss of cargo. You'll never get your feed back to the farmstead that way!