"What does it feel like to be [age]?" We all ask and are asked this question on an annual basis. It's a pretty banal question, right? There's no satisfactory answer for it. How does it feel to be 26? LOL I DON'T KNOW MAN HAHA

But as I've learned, the 30th birthday is different. It's a question I can actually answer! Here, in a series of bullet points, is what it feels like to be 30 years old.

• A worthless fucking old pile of shit
• Garbage, but better, because I will at least walk my haggard ass to the curb
• Fucking horrible as fuck
• Useless
• Two or three trillion cells that can't wait to be worm food
• The worst and oldest person in the entire world
• Pre-shit
• A rusty pipe some kid found in an abandoned warehouse and dropped halfway home because it wasn't that cool after all
• A copy of "Meet the Deedles" on HD-DVD
• Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucking old
• God's weird uncle

A couple notes: first, happy Yom Kippur to all y'all observing today. We will miss you during today's LUNCH JUDGMENT, and I certainly hope you come back to join us next week.

Second: over on the mothership today, I'm working on a story on QWOP. Whether you know what QWOP is or not, I would be delighted if you would click here and complete this survey. If you have a couple minutes to spare, thank you in advance!

OK, then. My lunch: Jimmy John's. No. 9, hold the mayo, add cherry peppers. A pickle. A bottle of Pellegrino. This was a lunch of haste, because I have run out of groceries and Jimmy John's is two blocks from my house. It is not a spectacular lunch; however, I rate it a 7 on account of the Pellegrino. It's a dang shame more fast food establishments don't sell it.

Now let's hear about yours. Leave a comment below describing the lunch you ate or are eating today. I will then, time permitting, rate it from 1 to 10 and attempt to explain my rationale. I can't promise I'll get to every one, but I'll judge as many as I can.

So, friend: what's on your plate today?

Welcome to Week 19 of THIS WEEK IN GIFs, everyone. There's a lot of hilarious officiating and stupefying punt-returning to get to. Before we do, you're welcome to sit in as Matt Ufford, Dan Rubenstein and myself discuss this week's field:

Voting will remain open until 11 p.m. Eastern Sunday. Enjoy!

GIO GONZALEZ

It isn't all that uncommon to see a pitcher fall off the mound. It's forgivable. You're standing on a piece of rubber on the top of a hill, and when you pitch, your body basically turns into this giant network of metronomes that are swinging your equilibrium this way and that. If one of those metronomes is just a little too fast or slow, WHOOP.

But uh, apparently it's nap time in Washington. This is another example of athletes taking a REALLY long time to get up after they fall down. Basketball and football players do this too. If you or I fall down, we immediately get back up and hope nobody notices. These guys are just sorta content to wallow on the ground for a half-hour in front of 40,000 people.

KEVIN OGLETREE

I said so in the video, but I'm genuinely gonna miss these replacement officials. This had to end at some point, but I'm glad we had three weeks of complete bullshit like this.

And this is just such a bullshit thing to happen. The official's presumably chucking his hat because he thinks Ogletree went out of bounds at some point, but ... you're supposed to throw it at the point at which he stepped out of bounds, right? And if he did step out of bounds, that happend like 15 yards in the other direction. So I guess he was trying to note, "THERE'S A FOOTBALL PLAYER RIGHT THERE, EVERYONE. (OH NO THERE ARE SO MANY FOOTBALL PLAYERS AND I AM ALL OUT OF HATS.)"

JIM HARBAUGH

(Via Bomani Jones' Monday Morning Jones)

I'll let Bomani explain this one:

Here's Jim Harbaugh after conning the substitute teachers out of a challenge when he didn't have a timeout. And before he made two more challenges, meaning the 49ers got five timeouts in the second half.

What follows is the most "I can't believe I got away with that shit" look you could ask for. Oh god. Play it cool, Jimford. Just play it cool. You got this. Straighten your hat. Wipe your nose. Wipe your hand on your hat. Just keep wiping.

ACE SANDERS

Someday I'm going to sit down and list my favorite sports things -- in part for my own benefit, so that I can calibrate my sports consumption habits accordingly. For now, I'll say that these are in the top tier:

• Punt returns for touchdowns
• Running up the score
• Pitchers at bat
• Fans who run around on the field
• Airballed free throws
• J.R. Smith
• Starlin Castro
• Fights of the not-Kermit Washington variety
• Gus Johnson

If there's anything you think I should add to this list, please let me know in the comments. Anyway, South Carolina's Ace Johnson up there is responsible for one of the most impressive punt returns I've ever seen. He sprints, jukes, runs into his own man, leans out of a tackle, sprints, breaks a full-body tackle while juking out of another tackle, jukes backward, sprints, and dives into the corner of the end zone. Magnificent.

JARROD PARKER

(Via Grant Brisbee)

Q: Ooh, look at Ichiro! He got a base hit! Where did he get such a beautiful single?

A: HE WENT TO JARROD

TOMMY HUNTER

(Via Grant Brisbee)

The first time I saw this GIF I dismissed it as some sort of manipulation. Like, come on. Someone just took a still of Tommy Hunter and slapped it up there. This is of course a silly theory, but I just couldn't comprehend such perfect weirdness.

The ball looks like it was perhaps five feet away from smacking Hunter right in the face, and yet he stands still as a stone, unafraid. This could win GIF of the Week honors, or it could finish fourth. I suppose it depends upon what we value in GIFs these days. Can this beat Ace Sanders' run or Gio Gonzalez's extemporaneous nap? I don't know.

TIM TEBOW

DOINK

PETE CARROLL

Matt specifically requested that we include this one, and I'm glad he did.

One more thought before we drop the "replacement officials" business: making this call must have been SO SATISFYING. Perhaps this official really thought that interception was a touchdown. I think it's just as likely that he convinced himself of such. Frankly, telling people what they want to hear feels pretty good. Telling a steel-eyed coach and 60,000 loud people what they want to hear must feel like such a rush.

Of course, so would telling them what they didn't want to hear. They're both a rush. One is like watching a roll-caged Subaru ramp over 30 cars, and the other is like being in that car. These officials, they seem to have preferred the former. Gonna miss y'all.

VOTE!

Hello, everyone, and welcome to Week 20 of THIS WEEK IN GIFs. Yep, we've been at it for about five months, having reviewed over 150 animated sports GIFs. This week, we have all sorts of cussing and crying and whatnot for your consumption.

Voting will remain open until 11 p.m. Eastern Sunday night. Between now and then, we will vote on our favorites and determine a winner. To kick things off, Matt Ufford, Dan Rubenstein and myself plea the cases of our favorite GIFs:

SHANE LECHLER

(Via James Dator)

Well this is just mean. You tell a man to punt an egg-shaped object, make him wear a helmet that impedes his field of vision, and expect him to know where the Hell it is when it's blocked? Once the sport of football collapses commercially (via fan disinterest, via not incorporating bicycles into the sport somehow), football is going to make for a great party game.

PADRES BULLPEN CATCHER

(Via @Natt0)

I guess it would be sort of uncouth for a bullpen catcher to freak out after catching an opponent's home run ball. Which is a shame, because this is impressive as Hell. This Padres bullpen catcher, identity uncertain, probably couldn't have seen the ball coming until it was 0.3 seconds before hitting his glove. By the time the GIF stops blurring and we can see him clearly, he's just squatting there like nothing happened.

Also, home plates shouldn't have grass around them. It's weird. Is he playing catch in a cemetery?

BAYLOR'S NICK FLORENCE

(Via Brian Floyd)

Nick Florence's trip to the ground sure was eventful! He successfully motioned for a passing trucker to blow his horn. Then he half-finished a Mad Lib, read a Far Side anthology, drank a CapriSun, and fell asleep while listening to Adventures in Odyssey. OK maybe it wasn't all that eventful.

SAD ARKANSAS FAN

(Via @bubbaprog)

I don't care if this is a three-second window into a life that is otherwise probably pretty happy. I don't care that this kid is crying over something dumb like sports. I still can't take it, man. IN GIFS THEY NEVER STOP CRYING

CHAD JENKINS

(Via Bill Hanstock)

My favorite part of this is the umpire's reaction. He solemnly and slowly removes his mask, transferring it to his other hand like he's preparing to give an impromptu Pledge of Allegiance or something. I'm glad I don't have to recite the Pledge of Allegiance every time I see something awesome because I would never get anything done. Wait, was I supposed to be doing that all this time? Oh no.

TOM BRADY

(Via @bubbaprog)

Say, Tom Brady, why did you go to the auto mechanic?

"Vehicle business."

Say, Tom Brady, my hands sure are getting cold! Any advice?

"Find your mittens."

Say, Tom Brady, I sure could use a candy bar, bottle of soda, newspaper, and/or lottery ticket! What would you recommend?

"Vending machines."

Say, Tom Brady, how'd you end up as a quarterback?

"Failed at pitching."

But Tom Brady, you were drafted in 1995 as a catcher, not a pitcher!

"Go to Hell."

WEST VIRGINIA'S J.D. WOODS

(Via Jason Kirk)

This was one of the only imperfect throws Geno Smith made all day Saturday, but it didn't matter. It looked like his receivers were using the ball as a yo-yo.

God this game was so fun. Once both teams start hanging 60 points on one another, the bottleneck seems to be how quickly they're capable of sprinting to the end zone. It should be noted that since 2000, there have now been 18 FBS games in which both teams put up at least 60. It should also be noted that only one NFL team, much less two in the same game, has scored 60 points since 1989. College football: it's pretty neat.

VOTE!

The children of Arkansas are terribly upset, Tom Brady knows cuss words, and bullpen catchers are basically wizards. These lessons and more are contained within. Vote, and help us decide the greatest animated GIF of the week.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to Week 20 of THIS WEEK IN GIFs. Yep, we've been at it for about five months, having reviewed over 150 animated sports GIFs. This week, we have all sorts of cussing and crying and whatnot for your consumption.

Voting will remain open until 11 p.m. Eastern Sunday night. Between now and then, we will vote on our favorites and determine a winner. To kick things off, Matt Ufford, Dan Rubenstein and myself plea the cases of our favorite GIFs:

SHANE LECHLER

(Via James Dator)

Well this is just mean. You tell a man to punt an egg-shaped object, make him wear a helmet that impedes his field of vision, and expect him to know where the Hell it is when it's blocked? Once the sport of football collapses commercially (via fan disinterest, via not incorporating bicycles into the sport somehow), football is going to make for a great party game.

PADRES BULLPEN CATCHER

(Via @Natt0)

I guess it would be sort of uncouth for a bullpen catcher to freak out after catching an opponent's home run ball. Which is a shame, because this is impressive as Hell. This Padres bullpen catcher, identity uncertain, probably couldn't have seen the ball coming until it was 0.3 seconds before hitting his glove. By the time the GIF stops blurring and we can see him clearly, he's just squatting there like nothing happened.

Also, home plates shouldn't have grass around them. It's weird. Is he playing catch in a cemetery?

BAYLOR'S NICK FLORENCE

(Via Brian Floyd)

Nick Florence's trip to the ground sure was eventful! He successfully motioned for a passing trucker to blow his horn. Then he half-finished a Mad Lib, read a Far Side anthology, drank a CapriSun, and fell asleep while listening to Adventures in Odyssey. OK maybe it wasn't all that eventful.

SAD ARKANSAS FAN

(Via @bubbaprog)

I don't care if this is a three-second window into a life that is otherwise probably pretty happy. I don't care that this kid is crying over something dumb like sports. I still can't take it, man. IN GIFS THEY NEVER STOP CRYING

CHAD JENKINS

(Via Bill Hanstock)

My favorite part of this is the umpire's reaction. He solemnly and slowly removes his mask, transferring it to his other hand like he's preparing to give an impromptu Pledge of Allegiance or something. I'm glad I don't have to recite the Pledge of Allegiance every time I see something awesome because I would never get anything done. Wait, was I supposed to be doing that all this time? Oh no.

TOM BRADY

(Via @bubbaprog)

Say, Tom Brady, why did you go to the auto mechanic?

"Vehicle business."

Say, Tom Brady, my hands sure are getting cold! Any advice?

"Find your mittens."

Say, Tom Brady, I sure could use a candy bar, bottle of soda, newspaper, and/or lottery ticket! What would you recommend?

"Vending machines."

Say, Tom Brady, how'd you end up as a quarterback?

"Failed at pitching."

But Tom Brady, you were drafted in 1995 as a catcher, not a pitcher!

"Go to Hell."

WEST VIRGINIA'S J.D. WOODS

(Via Jason Kirk)

This was one of the only imperfect throws Geno Smith made all day Saturday, but it didn't matter. It looked like his receivers were using the ball as a yo-yo.

God this game was so fun. Once both teams start hanging 60 points on one another, the bottleneck seems to be how quickly they're capable of sprinting to the end zone. It should be noted that since 2000, there have now been 18 FBS games in which both teams put up at least 60. It should also be noted that only one NFL team, much less two in the same game, has scored 60 points since 1989. College football: it's pretty neat.

VOTE!

Week 20 of THIS WEEK IN GIFs is now in the books, and frankly, the voting was never particularly close. With 46 percent of the overall vote, having won 352 total ballots, is ...

... PADRES BULLPEN CATCHER.

Act I is this nameless hero's ability to catch a baseball he couldn't possibly have seen until it was 0.03 inches from his face. Act II is his ability to remain complete stoic and unmoved in the face of this miracle. Let's hear from some of you:

Padres Bullpen Catcher

Is the GIF that Thunder Dan Majerle wishes it were.

- Valued Internet subscriber kckicker23

First, there is the blurred frenzy of the beginning, prompting the viewer to ask, “What am I watching?”

As we begin to discover that we are watching a well-hit baseball, we are suddenly interrupted by the end of the ball’s journey, prompting the viewer to ask, “Where did the ball go?”

Only after repeated viewings does it become clear that the nearly stationary bullpen catcher has snagged the ball out of the air like a tree frog attacks some tropical bug on a branch in the vast network of the rain forest.

On top of this, the astute cameraman rewards the anonymous bullpen catcher as he slowly closes in on the stoic figure, who pretends as if this occurrence was completely out of the ordinary and unworthy of attention.

This is the Gif, my friends.

- Valued Internet subscriber DumbAndNerdy

We need to photoshop Tommy Hunter sitting on top of the wall and have the baseball go through his arms right before Padres bullpen catcher snags the home run ball

- Valued Internet subscriber Area Sports Athlete

Thanks, friends, this was fun as always. Be sure to check back Friday for the next installment of THIS WEEK IN GIFs. And to browse through our library of tremendous sports GIFs, click here.

QWOP is the funniest fucking game I've ever played. I think it's just the matter-of-factness by which the game engages the player in complete absurdity. You're a track athlete competing against nobody in a stadium full of people. Mm? No, of course you don't know how to run or use your legs. What a stupid assumption to make. Are you stupid? Anyway, you ran 2.3 meters. Here is a medal. You have won first and last place.

You can play QWOP right here, if you'd like. If you're much like me, you'll spent 45 seconds mashing the Q, W, O and P keys -- which control Mr. QWOP's calves and thighs -- before writing off the game as the poor man's Kobayashi Maru, an exercise that is impossible to win.

No, really. Try it. Your first attempt will look like this.

So will your 20th attempt.

WHAT A STUPID MOTHERFUCKING GAME I MEAN YOU CAN'T EVEN HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO WHAT'S EVEN THE POINT OF ANYTHING

- Player who traveled 1.1 meters

That is the goddamned stupidest thing I've ever seen. Mostly because I couldn't figure out how to be good at it.

- Player who traveled 1.6 meters

hard

- Player who traveled 2.4 meters

I asked people to play QWOP for five whole minutes -- an eternity, because I am demanding -- then complete a short survey detailing how far they were able to run and how they enjoyed the game. In all, 251 of you responded.

Simple Flash games are simple and easy to pick up. That's sort of the point. But only 71 of you -- that's 28 percent -- reported that you got any better at QWOP within the five minutes you played it.

"I'm not sure how I arrived at this philosophy," says Bennett Foddy, the game's creator, "but I don't feel any sympathy for people who find a video game hard. At all. It never occurred to me to try to modify QWOP so that it was easier to play."

Well, that certainly isn't surprising. Nothing about QWOP implies that its creator gives a shit about how difficult I find the game. In real life you don't have to think about running, you just run. This game makes me feel like I'm writing and mailing letters to every muscle in my legs, telling them to stop and start. Holy Hell it's awful.

Made me want to cry

- Player who traveled 4.4 meters

What is the point, exactly?

- Player who traveled 0.9 meters

i used to think i could do things

- Player who traveled 3.2 meters

Foddy, who designed the game in 2008, drew inspiration from several sources, including the NES classic Track & Field. "I loved the nature of the multiplayer in those games, where you perform in front of your friends while they wait their turn, and often embarrass yourself terribly."

Indeed. The first time I played QWOP, my friends and I spent 20 minutes passing around an iPhone and trying to reckon how the Hell to play it. I died laughing. Tears in my eyes, doubled-over laughing. We all were. Like, here's this well-polished, well-made game. Visuals look good, the controls do what they say they do, et cetera.

At the outset, it looks like one should be able to pick this up and run 100 meters right away.

QWOP for iPhone, before the player touches any controls.

And you can't, and you're an idiot. It all goes to Hell. That, I guess, is the root of QWOP's humor.

What the fuck

- Player who traveled 5.4 meters

why is he a runner if his legs don't work

- Player who traveled 5.5 meters

QWOP reminds me that it's a miracle that we can do any sports things at all. Let's start small: we can pick up a football for the first time in months and throw a spiral without really thinking about how we're gripping it. Like, Average Folk like you and me can do that. It feels like such a feat of engineering should be difficult.

And then I start thinking about what the best among us can do: how Stephen Strasburg can chuck a 97-mph two-seam fastball that completely bottoms out, and Marshawn Lynch can sprint in a suit of armor while essentially fighting people, and Ricky Rubio can put perfect English on a bounce pass while looking the other direction. It's just such a non sequitur. Every other human accomplishment -- society, technology, art -- is the result of conscious experimentation and planning and study, and a whole lot of it.

I don't feel any of that when I throw a football. I just throw it. Can it rightly be called a miracle if millions of people can do it? I don't know, but without it, I am QWOP.

Whomever invented this game is a mean-spirited doodiehead, and is also a genius. It is a testament to the foolhardiness of the human competitive spirit that this game is so often played. I could use a cigarette.

- Player who traveled 2.3 meters

Foddy, despite having created the game, says he's "just mediocre" at QWOP. I'm horrible at it; after having the game on my phone for a year, I haven't made it past the 20-meter mark. There has to be a secret, right? There has to be a right way of moving QWOP's legs and galloping into a full sprint. I have to be overlooking it or over-thinking it. It can't be hard. I had to ask.

"I guess if you were to approach me in the street and ask me how to play QWOP," he said, "I'd tell you to take a more experimental attitude in your life, and not to rely so much on the hard work of others."

Damn it.

Hello, friend. Did you know that over one million Americans ate food this weekend? Many of those folks decided to eat and drink while watching football. I sure did! Did you? And do you crave judgment?

If so, TAILGATE JUDGMENT is the place for you. Here's how it works: you leave a comment below that describes what you ate and drank while watching your game(s) of choice. I will then come around and rate your food/drink on a scale of 1 to 10, and do my best to explain my rationale.

In the interests of full disclosure, I will start. To eat, I had a few slices of delivery pizza from Tony BoomBozz, a local pizza establishment. It was not world-changing, but it was tasty and hearty without becoming some sort of ridiculous, over-topped casserole. I award myself a 7 in the lunch department. To drink, I had an assortment of beers including Southern Tier 2X, Ellie's Brown Ale from Avery's, and naturally, Coors Light. I also had some mezcal, which is a really odd but interesting liquor: starts as though you're drinking Sambuca, then comes around and slaps you in the face. These elements did not necessarily blend all that well together, but were individually satisfying, and so I will award myself a 7 in the drink department as well.

Now it's your turn! I can't promise that I will be able to rate everybody, but I will rate as many as I can. Let's hear it: what did you have to eat and/or drink during the big game and/or big games and/or regular game?

Welcome to another installment of Jon's NFL Mailbag. I am Jon. Here are some questions you definitely did not ask because I made them up.

is football better than baseball

- Milliam K., Fudge, Kentucky

I imagine you're asking this question in light of this bit of news:

Sources: ESPN MNF game tripled Yanks-O’s rating last night nationally. Jets beat Yanks in NYC local ratings

— John Ourand (@Ourand_SBJ) October 9, 2012

I remember reading a book that was called something like The Illustrated History of Football. Can't remember the exact title. Within, it argued that football had usurped baseball as America's favorite pastime. Note: I read this when I was 8 years old. If I recall correctly, the book had been published at some point in the late 1970s.

Over the last decade or so, the NFL has become even more wildly popular. People across every demographic, from every part of the country love this game, which cannot be said of baseball (or, in fairness to baseball, any other sport). I'll admit: if you give me a choice between a random NFL game and a random MLB game, I'll certainly choose to watch the NFL game.

I think that to argue which is "better" is to miss the point, however. Baseball -- regular season baseball, anyway -- is my fishbowl. I keep a game on the TV, let it do its thing, and turn my full attention when something interesting happens. Aside from that, I let it play in the background. I've watched hundreds of baseball games that I gave my full attention throughout, and at some point I realized I like it better this way.

Hopefully you'll never catch me trying to argue that one sport is "better" than another sport, because I'll never possess the objectivity necessary to make such an argument. If I did, I'd probably argue the Aussie rules football is the best sport, because it probably is.

Do you like to call Larry Fitzgerald "Gerry Fitzlarrold" for fun?

- Tedward B., Fudge, Kentucky

Yes! It's an illness! I have no idea why I find that fun to do. While we're talking about Fitzgerald ... within the context of, "NFL player wants to succeed," it must be kind of a bummer to be Larry Fitzgerald these days, right?

His Week 2 game against the Patriots is perhaps the saddest game I've ever seen from an elite wideout: one catch, 4 yards. His quarterback, Kevin Kolb, just could not find him. Thursday night's game was a bummer, too: while he did manage 92 receiving yards, Fitzgerald broke away for what should have been an easy six points, only for Kolb to miss him by three miles.

Athletes of any position, in any sport, depend on others to succeed, but I don't know if any of them are as dependent on a teammate as the wide receiver is on his quarterback. Great quarterbacks can get the most out of mediocre wide receivers, but it doesn't really work the other way around to such an extent. It's sad. Well, not for him, since he's the owner of the largest contract in Arizona Cardinals history. I guess it's just sad for people like me who want to watch him bust loose.

our tap water has ants in it

- Killdred S., Fudge, Kentucky

I would love to help you folks, but unfortunately, nobody can decide where exactly Fudge is located. Besides, you must help yourselves first! Start drilling wells, friends!

do you think it's a neat idea to cheer when folks get hurt

Benneth D., Fudge, Kentucky

Not really! In case you missed them, here are remarks from the Chiefs' Eric Winston, following quarterback Matt Cassel's injury and subsequent exit from Sunday's game:

"We are athletes, OK? We are athletes. We are not gladiators. This is not the Roman Coliseum. People pay their hard-earned money when they come in here and I believe they can boo, they can cheer and they can do whatever they want, I believe that. We are lucky to play this game. People, it's hard economic times, and they still pay the money to do this.

"But when somebody gets hurt, there are long lasting ramifications to the game we play, long lasting ramifications to the game we play. I've already kinda come to the understanding that I won't live as long because I play this game and that's OK, that's a choice I've made and a choice all of us have made.

"But when you cheer, when you cheer somebody getting knocked out, I don't care who it is, and it just so happened to be Matt Cassel -- it's sickening. It's 100 percent sickening."

Indeed, the Arrowhead crowd was cheering as Cassel left. Maybe they were cheering Cassel's exit, maybe they were cheering Brady Quinn's entrance. Fact: it was the same thing! They couldn't have been cheering one and not the other, especially while dude is lying on the ground and then slowly trudging to the locker room.

I talked about this for a bit a couple weeks ago. We ought to treat players more like friends than we usually tend to. Of course we're not actually friends because they don't know who the hell we are. The player-fan relationship is different, but it is a relationship. They do dangerous stuff for our amusement, and to treat a serious injury as nothing more than a plot element is ... well, it's not good.

Confession: when I saw Chiefs-Ravens highlights and watched Cassel walking off the field, I let out a sarcastic, "yayyy." That was a joke, in the company of like eight people who thought it was funny. But immediately afterward I felt shitty about it. That isn't the only time I've had to rein myself in in that regard. I grew up in the same sporting culture you did, the one in which we "hate" athletes who are doing a poor job.

That's part of being a decent sports fan and a decent human being: recognize the bullshit you spit out because everyone else lets you, think about it, and throw it in the garbage. I'm still working on it.

Thanks once again, everyone, for not writing in. I appreciate all the terrific questions from make-believe people in a town that was abandoned centuries ago. Good luck with your septic system, y'all!

Saturday night, third-ranked Florida State visited ACC rival North Carolina State. The Seminoles entered Raleigh with a 5-0 record, and FSU fans harbored dreams of a national title shot.

Thanks in part to an anemic second-half offense that launched punt after punt, such hopes were effectively dashed. NC State quarterback Mike Glennon, who couldn't piece together much of anything in the first half, took advantage of great field position, and his three consecutive fourth-down conversions dealt the 'Noles a shocking upset in just about the most agonizing way possible. (Here is video evidence, if you have the stomach for it.)

This game provides a perfect opportunity for us to introduce the Seismograph: a new feature in which we attempt to plot the waves of glee, anger, frustration, shock and horror from sports fans as a game progresses. I visited the game threads at our Florida State blog, Tomahawk Nation. By the end of the game, thousands of comments had been posted, and they offer us an enormous body of information from which to understand how unbelievably shitty this was for Seminoles fans.

Is this mean? I certainly don't intend for it to be. As a fan of undefeated Louisville, I can't help but look at all these comments and see the future. In a week, or a month, or something, I will be them. It's rather haunting.

Let's get to it.

Top 5 moments of crisis

5.

I'M FUCKING DONE!!!! FOR THE YEAR!!! I'M OVER IT NOT LOGGING ON TO THIS SITE NOT WATCHING ESPN NOT WATCHING NO MORE GAMES THIS YEAR FUCK EVERYTHING I’M OUT

4.

I Dont when people finna realize that Fsu Will Never Win Anything As Long As Jimbo Fisher Is Are Head Coach…His Playing Calling Is Horrible…A Defense Coordinator Doesn’t Have To Scheme To Much For Fsu..Because The Playing Calling Is So Simple And Plan…No Trick Plays No Nothing…This Is A Sad Offense To Watch…All This Talent On Offense And You Can’t Score More Points…Put Any Avg Offense Coordinator We Would Be A Top Offense …Jimbo Put So Pressure On Mark Stoops Defense..To Win Games When He Has Just AS Much Talent On Offense….This Is Not A TOP 10 Team..Because NCST Shouldnt Be Able Top Play With A Top Team In America

3.

Virginia anybody? This is my last post as a die hard Nole fan. Im officially retreating to being a CFB fan. This disfunctional relationship Ive been in for the last 25 years is over. Im done defending this team to everybody and getting ridiculed after we what it is we’ve done so well for the last DECADE! Jesus fucking Christ I hate this team.

2.

My wife is PISSED

She is taking a trip to the emergency room with me tomorrow for my broken hand…and i have at least 3 holes to patch in the wall.

Wow. how long did it take you to type that with a busted hand? Or did you have your wife type it?

12 minutes....on phone in ER.

1.

JSDKFBDS GSDMF;L SPFJ APJEGZPSJGO jUWGOIWOGT WOEIROIi!

Top 5 comments about throats

5.

Step on their damn throats now

4.

Needed to step on their throat there

3.

do not

let them come back in this game. we must shove it down their throat.

2.

Jimbo Needs To Stop Being So Passive Against Inferior Competition

And step on their throats.

1.

Still got the 4th quarter, people.

That's when we step on their throats.

(For this graph, I rated unmistakably positive/negative comments from negative-10 to 10, with negative-10 being, well, negative. I stacked these ratings; in other words, Tomahawk Nation scored a negative-23 at 11:23 p.m. because multiple commenters posted terribly mad/sad things.)

This, being the first-ever edition of the Seismograph, is a bit of a beta test. Thank y'all for joining us. And once again, Tomahawk Nation: sincerest condolences.

When Edwin Jackson last saw the Cardinals, they lit him up for eight runs in only 1.1 innings. The Nationals righty is having trouble again Wednesday afternoon. Entering the bottom of the second, the Cards lead Game 3 of the NLDS, 4-0.

With two men on and none out in the second inning, the Cards' Pete Kozma blasted one into the left-field seats. If you aren't yet familiar with Pete Kozma, this would be a good time: since his Aug. 31st call-up, he managed a .952 OPS in the 82 plate appearances he was given. The Cardinals have a habit of making postseason stars out of relatively unknown players. We'll see whether Kozma is the David Freese of 2012.

As Bernie Miklasz of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch notes, Jackson keeps dipping from the four-seam well, and it sure doesn't seem to be working out for him:

The RBI double by Craig, double by Freese, Descalso single and Kozma's HR -- all on 4-seam fastballs. EJax must not like slider today

— Bernie Miklasz (@miklasz) October 10, 2012

After suffering a hit from pitcher Chris Carpenter, the Cardinals gave Jackson a much-needed double play, and Carlos Beltran grounded out to end the inning.

In the top of the 7th inning, the Nationals trotted out Christian Garcia to keep their deficit at 5-0. Garcia, a rookie with 12.2 regular-season innings under his belt, chucked five outs of scoreless baseball against the Cardinals Monday. After early struggles, Garcia managed to slam the door and escape the inning with only one earned run.

The Cardinals opened the inning with singles from Jon Jay and Carlos Beltran, who advanced to second and third on a Matt Holliday groundout. Garcia walked Allen Craig, a strong bat, in favor of Yadier Molina ... another strong bat. Molina drew a bases-loaded walk to increase the Cardinals' lead to 6-0.

Garcia then promptly recovered, striking out David Freese and Daniel Descalso to strand three Cards on base. With the Nationals' 2-3-4 hitters due up in the bottom of the 7th, the Nats may well send Garcia back to the mound for another inning, as they did Monday.

Wednesday afternoon, the Giants are getting right to work against the Reds. Leadoff hitter Angel Pagan sent the second pitch of the game into the seats to give San Francisco the early lead over the Reds in Game 4:

The Giants then continued to attack Reds starter Mike Leake early in the count, with Marco Scutaro flying out on the second pitch and Pablo Sandoval knocking a double on a 1-0 count. After advancing to third, Sandoval was stranded after Hunter Pence struck out on three pitches.

In the bottom half of the first, Giants starter Barry Zito made his first postseason appearance since 2006. Zito finished the regular season strong, having tacked up a 3.03 ERA through 35.2 innings in September.

After retiring the first two Reds and letting up a single to Joey Votto, Zito suddenly lost control. He walked Ryan Ludwick and Jay Bruce, having fallen behind 3-0 in the count to both men, and then walked Todd Frazier on five pitches to force in a run. Zito escaped after striking out Dioner Navarro, but the 13-year veteran has 30 pitches to his name after just one inning.

As we head to the second, the Giants and Reds are knotted at 1.

Hello once again, everyone. Brief programming note: Kyle has launched the Sweet 16 round of the Most Watchable Movie bracket. Go and vote! And for God's sakes, please vote for Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, which I sincerely consider to be one of the greatest films ever made.

But this is not FILM JUDGMENT. This is LUNCH JUDGMENT, in which you leave a comment below describing the lunch you are eating/already ate today, and I assess it on a scale of 1 to 10. As always, I doubt I'll be able to rate every lunch, but I will get to as many as I can.

I can only guess the wonderful lunch our friend Spilly has in store for us. Let's find out. Friends, what is/was on your plate/in your bowl/thermos today?

Hello, everyone, and welcome to Week 21 of THIS WEEK IN GIFs, in which we round up the greatest animated sports GIFs of the week and decide on our favorites. It's a big GIF week. Before we get down to business, if you'd like to know how to vote, here's some expert analysis from myself, Matt Ufford, and Dan Rubenstein:

Voting will remain open until Sunday at 11 p.m. Eastern. Have fun, y'all!

CINCINNATI FIELD-STORMER

(Via Travis Hughes)

Granted, we didn't get an up-close look at this gentleman, but from here he looks like the oldest field-stormer I've ever seen. Over the course of my studies, I've never seen a person run on the field who looked to be over, say, 25 or 30.

Whatever his age, he seems pretty nimble. Problem! He ran on the field before the game even started, so the broadcast wasn't even on. Problem! Can't read your sign, friend! I like to think that it said, "REMEMBER TO PLAY BASEBALL," and that he was only trying to be helpful.

ICHIRO SUZUKI

That last body-hop around the glove as Ichiro smacks the plate? That's some Neo shit. Between this, his stolen bases, and his ability to turn on the jets and turn an infield dribbler into a single, I think that if it weren't for his baserunning ability, Ichiro would be selling insurance in whatever the Japanese equivalent of Des Moines is. (Japan City?)

WILLIE THE WILDCAT

(Via The Big Lead, suggested by @ColinZvosec)

I've spent the last two days taking turns laughing at this, and telling myself it isn't funny. Bonus: the girl in the pink shirt, who can't be older than three, just looking on aghast with an "I can't believe this shit" look on her face.

PARTISAN ESPN TICKER

(Via Joel Thorman)

Introducing the longest, thinnest, pithiest, most partisan GIF to date. Tim Tebow incompletions are not mere incompletions, they are dropped passes. They should have just displayed "J. Hill" as "Judas."

KURT COLEMAN

(Via Matt Ufford's Fumblr)

Ooh, let's have a pun-off!

• I hope Kurt Coleman receives a 15-yard shoe for that one!
• Cleat it to a guy like Antonio Brown to lose his shoe on the field.
• I've heard of "losing your shoe," but this is ridiculous!
  
• Antonio Brown should tie his shoes more tightly!

lol those aren't even puns you suckers

MATT ELAM

Matt Elam isn't a football player so much as he's a force determined to knock over everything and everyone in the world. At this point, he's on the fast track to becoming the second-most terrifying guy named Elam in football history (behind Jason Elam, of course).

This is the perfect time to remind everyone that Jason Elam wrote a book titled Monday Night Jihad about a kicker who fights terrorism. Never forget. Feel free to stumble down this rabbit hole when you think you're ready.

AL ALBURQUERQUE

(Via Matt Sussman)

You know what I kind of miss? Hourlong blooper specials. They used to give videos like Super Duper Baseball Bloopers out with Sports Illustrated subscriptions, and as a kid I would watch them over and over and over. This is basically the exact sort of moment that would have been on it.

New rule: everyone who reads THIS WEEK IN GIFs must keep a slide whistle at the ready.

ACE SANDERS AGAIN

(Via Jason Kirk)

This Ace Sanders run is perhaps not quite as incredible as the one that landed him on Week 19 of THIS WEEK IN GIFs. He makes it into this week out of sheer respect for his skills.

VOTE!

A man ran around on the field, a kid took a kick to the face, and Ace Sanders made everyone look stupid again. It's a big week in THIS WEEK IN GIFs. Vote, and help us crown a champion.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to Week 21 of THIS WEEK IN GIFs, in which we round up the greatest animated sports GIFs of the week and decide on our favorites. It's a big GIF week. Before we get down to business, if you'd like to know how to vote, here's some expert analysis from myself, Matt Ufford, and Dan Rubenstein:

Voting will remain open until Sunday at 11 p.m. Eastern. Have fun, y'all!

CINCINNATI FIELD-STORMER

(Via Travis Hughes)

Granted, we didn't get an up-close look at this gentleman, but from here he looks like the oldest field-stormer I've ever seen. Over the course of my studies, I've never seen a person run on the field who looked to be over, say, 25 or 30.

Whatever his age, he seems pretty nimble. Problem! He ran on the field before the game even started, so the broadcast wasn't even on. Problem! Can't read your sign, friend! I like to think that it said, "REMEMBER TO PLAY BASEBALL," and that he was only trying to be helpful.

ICHIRO SUZUKI

That last body-hop around the glove as Ichiro smacks the plate? That's some Neo shit. Between this, his stolen bases, and his ability to turn on the jets and turn an infield dribbler into a single, I think that if it weren't for his baserunning ability, Ichiro would be selling insurance in whatever the Japanese equivalent of Des Moines is. (Japan City?)

WILLIE THE WILDCAT

(Via The Big Lead, suggested by @ColinZvosec)

I've spent the last two days taking turns laughing at this, and telling myself it isn't funny. Bonus: the girl in the pink shirt, who can't be older than three, just looking on aghast with an "I can't believe this shit" look on her face.

PARTISAN ESPN TICKER

(Via Joel Thorman)

Introducing the longest, thinnest, pithiest, most partisan GIF to date. Tim Tebow incompletions are not mere incompletions, they are dropped passes. They should have just displayed "J. Hill" as "Judas."

KURT COLEMAN

(Via Matt Ufford's Fumblr)

Ooh, let's have a pun-off!

• I hope Kurt Coleman receives a 15-yard shoe for that one!
• Cleat it to a guy like Antonio Brown to lose his shoe on the field.
• I've heard of "losing your shoe," but this is ridiculous!
  
• Antonio Brown should tie his shoes more tightly!

lol those aren't even puns you suckers

MATT ELAM

Matt Elam isn't a football player so much as he's a force determined to knock over everything and everyone in the world. At this point, he's on the fast track to becoming the second-most terrifying guy named Elam in football history (behind Jason Elam, of course).

This is the perfect time to remind everyone that Jason Elam wrote a book titled Monday Night Jihad about a kicker who fights terrorism. Never forget. Feel free to stumble down this rabbit hole when you think you're ready.

AL ALBURQUERQUE

(Via Matt Sussman)

You know what I kind of miss? Hourlong blooper specials. They used to give videos like Super Duper Baseball Bloopers out with Sports Illustrated subscriptions, and as a kid I would watch them over and over and over. This is basically the exact sort of moment that would have been on it.

New rule: everyone who reads THIS WEEK IN GIFs must keep a slide whistle at the ready.

ACE SANDERS AGAIN

(Via Jason Kirk)

This Ace Sanders run is perhaps not quite as incredible as the one that landed him on Week 19 of THIS WEEK IN GIFs. He makes it into this week out of sheer respect for his skills.

VOTE!

In the end, the GIF that ends with the toddler being struck in the face will always win. After a considerably close vote, the winner of Week 21 of THIS WEEK IN GIFs is ...

... WILLIE THE WILDCAT.

Willie, in his normal life, is probably some 20-year-old junior who is not at all equipped for the task of trying to console a three-year-old he just kicked in the fact while wearing a giant animal head. Lesson, dude: if you accidentally knock down a kid, that kid wants NOTHING to do with you. I wonder whether he removed the head before apologizing to his mother or he just offered a muffled, expressionless "sorry."

Valued Internet subscriber Area Sports Athlete perhaps said it best:

Willie the Wildcat

that was the least successful rendition of I’m a lil Teapot I’ve ever seen

Thanks as always for voting, friends. Stay tuned for Week 22 of THIS WEEK IN GIFs this week.

It's come to my attention lately that many folks tend to eat food and drink booze while watching football. This wildly popular phenomenon is observable from coast to coast. The question now is this: what exactly did you eat and/or drink?

If you're new here, this is how Tailgate Judgment works: you leave a comment below, describing your food and/or libations during game day this weekend. I will then issue you a food and drink rating between 1 and 10, and attempt to explain my rationale. I'm not out to hurt any feelings, but if you ate cruddy food and drank crummy drinks, I will not hesitate to say so.

In the interest of full disclosure, I will start by reporting my food and drink: I had a "Back Door Burger" at The Back Door, a nearby bar establishment. It is just about the least fancy burger imaginable, which I actually count as a positive: so many establishments foul up their burgers with all manner of things that the result is a hideous, inedible monster. This was simple: patty, slice of cheese, onion, lettuce, tomato. Fries on the side. I will issue myself a food rating of 6.5. I drank Bloody Marys and light beer. Thankfully, The Back Door wisely employs Zing Zang as their Bloody Mary mix. My drink rating stands at 7.5.

Well, that was boring. Your turn. I cannot promise that I'll be able to rate every single report, but I will certainly get to as many as I can. What did you have to eat and/or drink during football, friend?

I didn't watch Monday night's Broncos-Chargers game, but I will report that not watching it was pretty wild. I checked the score at halftime, saw that the Chargers were leading 24-0, and thought, "Hey, remember Frank Reich?" for about 1.4 seconds before turning to something else.

Later, I checked the score and saw that in the second half, the Broncos hung 35 unanswered points on the Bolts and won. Over the last two quarters, Peyton Manning was brilliant, but I was most awestruck by how suddenly terrible Philip Rivers became. Here is how every second-half Chargers drive ended:

• Philip Rivers fumbles.
• Punt.
• Philip Rivers throws interception.
• Philip Rivers throws interception.
• Philip Rivers throws interception (returned for touchdown).
• Philip Rivers fumbles.

There's a lot to unpack here, certainly. In an effort to determine how special Monday night's game actually was, I tooled around with Pro-Football-Reference's Play Index. It looks like the Play Index counts a total of 12,453 games in NFL history. So let's start from there, and crunch some odds.

1 in 4,151

This is the third time in NFL history that a team was shut out in the first half, trailed by at least a 24-point margin, and came back to win. The other two games occurred in 1988 (Raiders 30, Broncos 27) and 1946 (Eagles 28, Redskins 24). Please note that neither of those winning teams were able to put up as many as 35 points.

1 in 1,556

This is the eighth time in NFL history, and first time in nine years, that a team has scored 35 or more points after being shut out in the first half. The Colts last achieved this in 2003 by scoring seven points in the third quarter, 28 in the fourth, and three in overtime to beat the Buccaneers, 38-35.

1 in 640

This is only the fourth time in the last 10 years that a team has committed six or more turnovers in a single game. But of those four, this is the only game in which the quarterback committed six turnovers all by himself (Rivers threw four picks and fumbled away the ball twice). Unfortunately, I couldn't find player-specific fumble statistics pre-2000, but I have to imagine this is quite rare.

1 in 10.2

Statistically speaking, this is not the worst game Philip Rivers has ever had. In fact, throughout his career, Rivers has suffered nine starts in which he finished with a worse quarterback rating. It is, however, the first four-interception game of his career.

1 in 853.3

Peyton Manning threw three second-half touchdowns and won after his team was shut out in the first half. This is only the third time in the last decade that this has happened. If we were to expand the results to include wins and losses, the list grows a lot larger -- likely because a lot of "garbage time" touchdowns were thrown.

Other notes of ... uh, note

With this game, Manning is now the all-time leader in career fourth-quarter comebacks with a total of 37.

The Chargers have not surrendered six or more turnovers in a game since 1999, but this is certainly not the franchise record. In 1978, the Bolts coughed up the ball to the Packers 11 times -- one shy of the all-time NFL record.

The AFC West, by and large, is just goddang dysfunctional and terrible as hell.

The top echelon of American athletes -- in other words, the very greatest and most exciting -- is crowded. LeBron James certainly sits up there, as do Aaron Rodgers, Mike Trout, Kevin Durant, Miguel Cabrera, Arian Foster, and others it would be a shame to leave out. At present, Robert Griffin III might be more exciting than all of them.

We watched RGIII orchestrate miracles at Baylor. This season, without missing a step, he's entered the NFL, and immediately -- almost casually -- assumed his place among the league's best quarterbacks. Through six games, his quarterback rating sits at 100.5. Rookie quarterbacks do not start out like this.

Rookie quarterbacks also tend to throw their share of interceptions. Griffin has thrown a total of two this season, which puts him on pace for five or six on the season. No rookie starter has ever thrown fewer than 10.

This, to me, is a pleasant surprise. The quarterbacks who produce the greatest highlight reels -- Tim Tebow to great extent, Michael Vick to a lesser extent, etc. -- tend to complement them with a wealth of lowlights. RGIII, despite manufacturing heroics and electrifying plays on a regular basis, has a game that's solid-to-great from top to bottom.

His statistics seem likely to regress just a bit as the season progresses. Never mind that for now. He's appointment viewing for NFL fans across the league, regardless of allegiance, and he certainly didn't disappoint his audience Sunday.

Against the Vikings, Griffin finally threw his second career interception, but he also completed 17-of-22 passes, threw a touchdown, ran for two more, and claimed 138 yards on the ground. In doing so, he defeated Minnesota, 38-26, and pulled the Redskins to .500. Fans at our Redskins blog, Hogs Haven, left over a thousand comments throughout the entire spectacle. So did our Vikings blog, Daily Norseman.

I was curious to see how fans on the other side of the ball perceived RGIII, so I read through Daily Norseman's game thread, picked up all the comments weighing in on him, and tried to rate them appropriately as positive or negative.

Across these three hours, Vikings fans had more and more good things to say about Griffin -- even as he scored and scored and scored against them. The Daily Norseman crowd deserves some recognition here, I think. This isn't Week 15, and the Vikings aren't 5-9. They entered this game at 4-1, at the top of the competitive NFC North. They had every reason to hate RG3, and at turns they sort of did, but they were certainly able to recognize terrific play when they saw it.

There is something we all need to nail down, however: what do we call this man? RG3, or RGIII, or Robert Griffin, or what?

Redskins fans, as you can see, are pretty firmly in the "RG3" camp, while the Vikings contingent tended to use Roman numerals more often. Personally speaking, I prefer "RGIII," because it sounds more dignified and "RG3" looks more to me like an HTML color code or Battleship coordinate or something. But he's a Redskin, we can't have him, and Washington fans ought to call him "Bobby Goddang Griff-Triple" if they feel like it.

If you watched this game, there's probably one play that sticks out for you. This is that play. The Redskins' offense was beginning to stall deep in home territory, and despite a five-point lead, Redskins fans were starting to get nervous:

When the Redskins gave up 300 first-round picks for the position to draft Robert Griffin III, I heard a lot of groans from people smarter than I am, but I personally loved the damn-the-torpedoes approach. Washington has spent almost the entire 21st century trying to compete with an offense that languished in the league's bottom third. Their quarterback situation, at times, has been a nightmare.

At Daily Norseman, RGIII drew several comparisons to Vikings backup Joe Webb (!), but he also immediately evoked images of Michael Vick and Steve Young. Again, I find it sort of wild that he could draw such astute statements from opposing fans, literally seconds after he effectively beat them.

No need for a bandwagon. RGIII makes house calls, and in due time, he will visit your town and wreck you.