Monday, the eight greatest animated GIFs of the summer battle for superiority. Help us decide by voting in the most important election of 2012.
Hello again, friends. Last week we whittled a field of 32 animated sports GIF to eight of our very favorites. This week, we will determine a champion. The schedule of events is here:
Monday, August 20th: Elite Eight Tuesday, August 21st: Final Four Wednesday, August 22nd: Championship Thursday, August 23rd: MYSTERY BONUS ROUND
I'll be posting links that will allow y'all to view and vote on the Elite Eight. These will go up throughout the day, so to follow along, you can either check back with this page or look for me to tweet out links at @jon_bois.
Good luck, GIFs. Good luck, everyone. This is the most important election of 2012.
(1) WONDER DAN vs. (4) STEPHAN FECK'S DIVE Voting will be live shortly
(5) NASTIA LIUKIN'S SPOTTER/DAD vs. (7) DAVID ROBINSON GIFBOMB Voting will be live shortly
(8) DAMN IT, ASTROS vs. (13) CLINTON MOORE'S DIRTBIKE Voting will be live shortly
(3) GENTLEMAN HIT IN THE GENTLEMEN vs. (2) REBUFFED BUCK SHOWALTER Voting will be live shortly
(1) Once again, I am the tournament's top overall seed, WONDER DAN.
First round: 1,036 votes (65 percent) Second round: 524 votes (68 percent) Bid: Automatic This Week In GIFs finish: 1st Critical reviews from Round 2:
If Wonder Dan loses I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
- Valued Internet subscriber PeterStork670
I just...I'm not sure I've ever seen a live game freeze framed and captioned like that Which leads me to believe that Wonder Dan took control of the broadcast through sheer tyranny of will. Such is the power of Wonder Dan.
- Valued Internet subscriber Tom Brady's Accurate Balls
Are we sure that is what happened? To me, the "DAN MAJERLE" graphic looks like it came from ESPN, but there is a Comcast logo on-screen.
I believe this clip's provenance is Sportscenter, not the live game broadcast.
- Valued Internet subscriber dzuunmod
(4) Hi, friend. I am STEPHAN FECK'S DIVE.
First round: 1,033 votes (85 percent) Second round: 409 votes (59 percent) Bid: Automatic This Week In GIFs finish: 1st Critical reviews from Round 2:
I'm going to have to go with Feck, because riiiight before he enters the water, there's a moment where he knows what's about to happen and his body relaxes as he accepts his fate.
- Valued Internet subscriber ProbablyMonty
Had to go with the Feckin dive A lot of what attracts us to gifs is the ability to capture a brief moment. Most of the time, these moments are of complete failure by a certain individual(s).
Have we ever seen such failure like we see with the Feck dive? When was the last time you saw an Olympic diver miss making a clean dive, let alone the "limb flailing back flop" that Feck performs? And I say performs, because it is quite masterful in its failure.
(5) NASTIA LIUKIN'S SPOTTER/DAD vs. (7) DAVID ROBINSON GIFBOMB
(5) Hi again. I am NASTIA LIUKIN'S SPOTTER/DAD.
First round: 672 votes (58 percent) Second round: 453 votes (64 percent) Bid: Automatic This Week In GIFs finish: 1st Critical reviews from Round 2:
This was easy She BOUNCES. Come on.
- Valued Internet subscriber 85
Gotta be SpotterDad He's the Nick Punto of both fathers and spotters.
- Valued Internet subscriber ckk
I see two possibilities 1) he had seen her complete it so many times that he instinctively assumes she'll make it again
2) he's not actually supposed to catch her in that situation - he's only there to protect against an unsafe fall, like if she's coming down headfirst. If she's just falling flat on her body, I'm not sure coming down on two arms is any better than the mat anyway.
- Valued Internet subscriber whitakk
(7) Oh! Hello! I am DAVID ROBINSON GIFBOMB!
First round: 704 votes (65 percent) Second round: 519 votes (70 percent) Bid: At-large This Week In GIFs finish: N/A Critical reviews from Round 2:
Robinson is going to steamroll And it's only an upset based on the seeding.
- Valued Internet subscriber nickjs21
A collision course for Thunder Dan and the Admiral seems imminent. The dream of the 90s is alive in this gif tournament.
- Valued Internet subscriber JTExperience
perfect things... about The Admiral gif:
1) The color of his shirt is exactly the same as Bomb-Lady's, making for a seamless ‘WTF'
2) As her head pops up, his lean to his left completely obstructs his view, like he's playing peek-a-boo with us
(8) DAMN IT, ASTROS vs. (13) CLINTON MOORE'S DIRTBIKE
(8) Ugh. Hey again. My name is DAMN IT, ASTROS.
First round: 528 votes (77 percent) Second round: 595 votes (68 percent) Bid: At-large This Week In GIFs finish: N/A Critical reviews from Round 2:
What's weird about the Astros gif is that the 1B is the only one majorly fucking up. It's his world, everyone else in the GIF is just trying to deal with it.
- Valued Internet subscriber mtknowles
#16 seals it Otherwise, it's just whoops, minor collision, but that's just when the wheels come off.
I'd refer to him by name if I knew the name of anyone on the Astros. Wait, they have Brett Myers, right?
- Valued internet subscriber ScottyRayJ
Imagine the impact of Damn it, Astros This play basically handed the Nats a win in extra innings. If they make the play & the Astros end up winning the game... if the Nats miss the playoffs by one game... everybody blames it on them shutting down Strasburg... Mike Rizzo loses his job... angry Nats players abandon the team... Strasburg and Harper refuse to sign when they become free agent elibible... The Yankees sign both... There are riots up and down the east coast... Boston raises a militia and attacks New York... America descends into Civil War II - Boston vs. NY vs. California vs. the entire south... China becomes the new unquestioned world power... we all live in a world of incredibly cheap knock-offs of Apple products...
What I'm saying is, Damn it, Astros basically saved civilization as we know it. I think that should give it a slight advantage in this tournament.
- Valued Internet subscriber WastelandHound
(13) You know my name. I am CLINTON MOORE'S DIRTBIKE.
First round: 319 votes (56 percent) Second round: 397 votes (52 percent) Bid: At-large This Week In GIFs finish: 2nd Critical reviews from Round 2:
they just pulled him from the stands right after he shotgunned a couple Miller High Life Lights. the guy had never so much as played ExciteBike 64, let alone touched a real motor bike before. not his fault
- Valued Internet subscriber Area Sports Athlete
I like that it says Moto X best trick at the top of the screen I guess running over a guy with his own dirt bike is a pretty good trick. Some would even call it the best trick.
(3) GENTLEMAN HIT IN THE GENTLEMEN vs. (2) REBUFFED BUCK SHOWALTER
(3) Happy to see you again. I am GENTLEMAN HIT IN THE GENTLEMEN.
First round: 352 votes (59 percent) Second round: 400 votes (60 percent) Bid: At-large This Week In GIFs finish: 3rd Critical reviews from Round 2:
Gentlemen should win by a landslide. It's the 9 layer dip equilivent of a GIF, so much going on here.
- Valued Internet subscriber 37214
so much going on [in a previously defeated Pat Riley GIF] but not a single thing in it as good as a ricochet off a d*** into a ladies face. Nor was anything as good as a child using his glove as a shield instead of as a glove. The better gif won, sir.
- Valued Internet subscriber boyonthedock
(2) Hi! I am REBUFFED BUCK SHOWALTER!
First round: 430 votes (73 percent) Second round: 528 votes (79 percent) Bid: Automatic This Week In GIFs finish: 1st Critical reviews from Round 2:
Buck is going all the way. No contest.
- Valued Internet subscriber JTExperience
I have a feeling Showalter is an unstoppable monster in this tourney. Getting ignored is one thing. Completing the ignored handshake is another thing. Throwing in a fist bump to no one is a third thing.
That's three things.
- Valued Internet subscriber poploser
the Showalter gif is just so... baseball It distills the game down to its essence - an old guy wearing a full uniform (including cap) and like a 90s starter jacket failing at a high five, like not just missing the other guy's hand but completely not on the same page.
We've settled on the four greatest animated GIFs of the summer. Today, Dan Majerle, David Robinson, the Astros, and Buck Showalter fight to the finish. Vote, and help us determine a champion.
After four agonizing days, we've managed to narrow down a field of 32 GIFs to only four. Two of these GIFs involve retired basketball players tooling around in the stands. What does that mean? I have no idea, but they will go head-to-head today.
Once again, I'll be arguing the cases of these four remaining GIFs by presenting reviews from yesterday's comments. Voting will close at 11 p.m. Eastern tonight, and the two winners will meet in the championship Wednesday.
Speaking only for myself ... I could not be too disappointed if any of these four GIFs won. I think we've voted well, and we've ended up with four classic GIFs that will be treasured for years to come. Please, keep the debates going in the comments. They only help us to better understand the art and science of the animated GIF.
Have fun, y'all:
(1) WONDER DAN vs. (7) DAVID ROBINSON GIFBOMB Voting is live!
(8) DAMN IT, ASTROS vs. (2) REBUFFED BUCK SHOWALTER Voting is live!
We've settled on the four greatest animated GIFs of the summer. Today, Dan Majerle, David Robinson, the Astros, and Buck Showalter fight to the finish. Vote, and help us determine a champion.
After four agonizing days, we've managed to narrow down a field of 32 GIFs to only four. Two of these GIFs involve retired basketball players tooling around in the stands. What does that mean? I have no idea, but they will go head-to-head today.
Once again, I'll be arguing the cases of these four remaining GIFs by presenting reviews from yesterday's comments. Voting will close at 11 p.m. Eastern tonight, and the two winners will meet in the championship Wednesday.
Speaking only for myself ... I could not be too disappointed if any of these four GIFs won. I think we've voted well, and we've ended up with four classic GIFs that will be treasured for years to come. Please, keep the debates going in the comments. They only help us to better understand the art and science of the animated GIF.
Have fun, y'all:
(1) WONDER DAN vs. (7) DAVID ROBINSON GIFBOMB Voting is live!
(2) REBUFFED BUCK SHOWALTER vs. (8) DAMN IT, ASTROS Voting is live!
First round: 1,036 votes (65 percent) Second round: 524 votes (68 percent) Third round: 512 votes (56 percent) Bid: Automatic This Week In GIFs finish: 1st Critical reviews from Round 3:
Dan Majerle gif is overrated. After viewing it 10 times, it's old.
- Valued Internet subscriber mtknowles
Majerlegif [...] has so many subtle moments, it requires a lot more repeated viewing. The fact that he's eating. The initial catch. The turning of the ball in the hand. The awestruck wonder on Dan's face as he considers the ball. Then the final denouement where Dan shares this spherical wonder to the world, the awestruck look still plastered on his leathered face, highlighted by the amazing wardrobe choice he made that evening. Finally, the caption, which is just icing on the cake.
- Valued Internet subscriber ManifestDestiny
Clear Eyes, Pink Shirt, Can't Lose
- Valued Internet subscriber WolfOG
(7) DAVID ROBINSON GIFBOMB:
Found via @bubbaprog First round: 704 votes (65 percent) Second round: 519 votes (70 percent) Third round: 484 votes (57 percent) Bid: At-large This Week In GIFs finish: N/A Critical reviews from Round 3:
I see two distinct schools of thought:
There is the Liukin/Feck sect, who see these gifs as plot driven and care only about the action being portrayed.
Then there's the WonderDan/AdmiralGIFBOMB sect, who value overall GIFtography. The action involved is merely a component of the whole.
WONDERDAN/ADMIRALBOMB FTW FOREVER
- Valued Internet subscriber JTExperience
David Robinson getting his shizz blown up by the Log Lady from "Twin Peaks?" That's art, my friend.
- Valued Internet subscriber ckk
The David Robinson moment is a GIF, which is what it was born to be.
(8) DAMN IT, ASTROS vs. (2) REBUFFED BUCK SHOWALTER
(8) DAMN IT, ASTROS:
First round: 528 votes (77 percent) Second round: 595 votes (68 percent) Third round: 584 votes (71 percent) Bid: At-large This Week In GIFs finish: N/A Critical reviews from Round 3:
As a Cubs fan I am sad to see the Astros leaving the NL no explanation needed
- Valued Internet subscriber ThorCo
Could the Astros finally get a win this year?
- Valued Internet subscriber lhb98
Part of the mystique is the near disasters averted... how close it is to being one of those gruesome "holy shit that hurt" gifs.
The elbow/shoulder being oh so close to absolutely racking the pitcher's junk. The throw to first being so close to blasting the third baseman in the face from point blank range. The throw nearly drawing the second baseman directly into the path of the baserunner, leading to a disastrous collision.
You can't marvel at this gif for all of the epic fail going on, even though it's all there. You marvel at it out of the miraculous aligning of the stars that somehow prevented catastrophic injury from happening three times.
If tiny miracles like these can happen in such a short amount of time, then anything can happen really.
- Valued Internet subscriber mtknowles
(2) REBUFFED BUCK SHOWALTER:
First round: 430 votes (73 percent) Second round: 528 votes (79 percent) Third round: 507 votes (66 percent) Bid: Automatic This Week In GIFs finish: 1st Critical reviews from Round 3:
Buck's open hand is also a mocking consolation to every GIF he goes up against.
- Valued Internet subscriber nickjs21
Showalter = The Dude's landlord Mar-ty, Mar-ty, Mar-ty, Mar-ty, Mar-ty
- Valued Internet subscriber Luba8475
Does 4GIFs.com really only have 4 GIFs on their entire internet website? I'm glad Buck made the cut.
A few months ago, the folks at Panini tried an interesting experiment. They handed blank cards and markers to incoming NFL rookies, and asked them to draw their own cards.
The resultant artwork was nothing spectacular, which is fine, because nobody assumes high artistic ability of NFL players. This, rather, is a clinic demonstrating how to mail something in. Just to establish a benchmark, let's look at the card drawn by Andrew Luck:
Not bad. The skyline implies that the Colts play in the Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist universe, but I mean, at least he tried. He drew a not-inaccurate representation of Lucas Oil Stadium, and even busted out multiple markers to draw it.
This stands in stark contrast, both in terms of quality and the give-a-shit factor, from most of the rest of these cards. These are the cards we will visit today.
POWER RANKINGS: THE 10 MOST MAILED-IN PLAYER-DRAWN PANINI CARDS
10. Doug Martin, Buccaneers.
"Schmitty's Landscaping Services. How may I help you?"
"Yes, hello, I'm your customer at 1142 Wellington Terrace. I was calling because I have some concerns about the young man you sent over here."
"What seems to be the problem?"
"He is a reanimated skeleton with rotting muscle and sinew attached to his bones and a metric ruler where his nose is supposed to be. He won't do any work. He's just taking my football and attempting to play tennis with his pruning shears."
"You never told me you had a football!"
"I ... don't ... why would that ever come up in ..."
"Thank you for calling Schmitty's garden thing whatever." [hangs up]
9. Robert Griffin III, Redskins.
treepubes
8. Brock Osweiler, Broncos.
This could be a lot higher on the list, except I'm suspicious that this is supposed to be a work of high art. It's just a bunch of dots with a barely-visible smiley face in the middle. It's like a Magic Eye that actually works.
7. Nick Toon, Saints.
Wow. I wish Nick Toon would have Doug himself into his project a little more. After all, he's not in some amateur conference anymore, he's in the Action League Now! I wonder whether he Rugrats not giving more effort.
6. Kendall Wright, Titans
Oh look, a Rebus! OK, it's a T that's off-center, with some stars ... star T'ng off center? Nevermind, that doesn't make sense. T, uh ... star ... dammit. Just once, I'm going to enjoy a meal at Denny's without letting the placemat make me feel small. Just once.
5. Alshon Jeffrey, Bears.
Whoa, OK. This isn't even a drawing at all, it's just a series of slogans written in drying marker. Let's call this one a mulligan, Alshon. Let's give you one more shot at this.
4. Alshon Jeffrey, Bears.
sigh
3. Michael Egnew, Dolphins.
I see this and I see a hapless Panini intern just standing there holding an orange marker. "Mr. Engel, you uh ... you want this?" No answer. He fidgets. How do you look cool holding a single Crayola marker? He sticks it behind his ear. Oh God, no. I probably look like an architect who makes bouncy castles or something. He places it in his pocket. No ... no good. I'm going to forget about it and put it in the wash like I always do with my ketchup packets.
He peers over at Egnew's drawing. Oh God. He's actually filling in his green turd. Why? Five more seconds of humiliating, existential torture.
2. Russell Wilson, Seahawks.
Ugh. I can only imagine how annoying this kid is in the huddle. "If we lose the football, don't worry. My dad's in charge of the football factory. He can just get us more for free."
1. Lamar Miller, Dolphins.
And this stands alone from the rest. It's such an honest, magnificent display of don't-give-a-shit. He is tumbling off the rocky face of Give-a-shit Mountain. The stick figures playing in the river (?) for no reason. The dead guy. The "yay." This is probably the right time to emphasize that I did not make this up, and that Lamar Miller actually did this. In doing so, he is instantly one of my favorite players in the NFL.
Thanks to some shocking upsets, David Robinson and Buck Showalter meet in the championship round of GIF Tournament II. Today, we decide which GIF achieves immortality. Cast your vote, and help us crown a champion.
I'm honored to bring you the championship round of GIF TOURNAMENT II. Over the last seven days, we've cut a field of 32 animated sports GIFs to the two we see before us this morning.
Tuesday, to say the least, was full of drama. On one hand, WONDER DAN -- the tournament's top overall seed -- was eliminated by another "1990s basketball star eating food in the crowd" GIF, DAVID ROBINSON GIFBOMB. It was a sizable upset, especially seeing as GIFBOMB has never been vetted in a This Week In GIFs competition.
Meanwhile, in what is probably the closest vote in the history of SB Nation, BUCK SHOWALTER managed to claw his way past DAMN IT, ASTROS. Unbelievably, the voting ended 829-822 -- a margin of only seven votes. ASTROS was my favorite GIF in the tournament, and honestly ... I did not take the news well. I was devastated on both a personal and professional level.
But I am ready to move forward. We have two terrific GIFs in front of us today, either of which could very well be voted champion. Only one, however, can achieve immortality.
As an aside: it is rather interesting that the Final Four consisted of one GIF of athletes screwing up terribly, and three GIFs of people who aren't even playing sports. And in the championship, we have two men sitting at the sidelines who have been in the national spotlight for over 20 years.
Anyway. This poll will remain open until tonight at 11 p.m. Eastern. And remember: the tournament doesn't quite end today, as we have a MYSTERY BONUS ROUND tomorrow. Good luck, everyone, and vote safely.
GIF TOURNAMENT -- CHAMPIONSHIP
(7) DAVID ROBINSON GIFBOMB vs. (2) REBUFFED BUCK SHOWALTER
(7) DAVID ROBINSON GIFBOMB:
Created by @bubbaprog First round: 704 votes (65 percent) Second round: 519 votes (70 percent) Third round: 484 votes (57 percent) Fourth round: 697 votes (56 percent) Bid: At-large This Week In GIFs finish: N/A Critical reviews from Round 4:
Just noticed On the 100th viewing, that right before GIFBOMB LADY stands up, the Admiral's eyes close. As if to say, "D'awww......here it goes...."
- Valued Internet subscriber kckicker23
Admiral Although both are eating, Robinson is a Noted Snack Enthusiast. Pushes him ahead, as Wonder Dan may only be a casual snacker.
- Valued Internet subscriber lucierrc
The Admiral There is one hidden element of the Admiral GIF that gets overlooked. Turn your attention to the true protagonist, the gentleman behind the Admiral (David Robinson is just an object in this story, his stoicism evident) who is having trouble seeing only to have his view further obstructed. His lips slightly part, having finally summoned the courage after 39:30 of internal conflict over how to challenge a 6'11" monster and ask David Robinson to duck so that he can watch the final 30 seconds and feel like. Then, our antagonist rises like a phoenix and all our protagonist can do is lift his head higher and accept his fate.
- Valued Internet subscriber samuelrweaver
(2) REBUFFED BUCK SHOWALTER
First round: 430 votes (73 percent) Second round: 528 votes (79 percent) Third round: 507 votes (66 percent) Fourth round: 829 votes (50.2 percent) Bid: Automatic This Week In GIFs finish: 1st Critical reviews from Round 4:
Rebuffed Buck Showalter is a .gif 't from above.
- Valued Internet subscriber sperren
All of us who voted for Buck must be really celebrating right now. High fives!
Anyone?
...
- Valued Internet subscriber nickjs21
This gif is just so good. I can see it being used to accentuate rather embarrassing situations for years from now
Hello, friends. If you're new here, this is what happens: you leave a comment telling us about the lunch you ate or are currently eating today. I will then respond by rating your lunch on a scale of 1 to 10 and telling you in honest terms what I think about it.
Please know that I am not out to shame anyone's lunching, nor am I out to hurt anyone's feelings. HOWEVER, if I find a lunch especially crappy, I will say so. Just remember that it is an indictment of your lunch, not your character.
Oh: and over at the mothership, my Animated Sports GIF Tournament has reached the finals. It's a close race so far. Please vote if you're so inclined.
Anyway: lunches. Yours. Tell me about them. I can't promise that I will be able to rate every lunch, but I will rate as many as time allows.
Channel 3 12:00 a.m. - 12:00 a.m.: Cartoons from the 1940s, commercial-free, on endless loop. You will watch them if you are a bored security guard, a hired goon, a teenager, or ... anyone else, actually. You might be a hardened forensics expert or a demi-god stranded on a mystical island. Doesn't matter. A cartoon character will step on a garden hoe or something and you will find this really funny.
Channel 5 6 p.m.: Local news. Studio set looks approximately 10-15 years out of date. On-scene reporters inexplicably attempt to conduct interviews while live on air. Interview subjects offer implausibly astute commentary. Each segment concludes with, "and now for the weather report." Weather report is never shown.
9 p.m.: Wheel of Fortune. In prime time. In the year 2012.
Channel 8 6 p.m.: Exact same local news as Channel 5 because there is only one local news broadcast in the entire city.
Public television 12:00 a.m. - 12:00 a.m.: Nature documentary. Specifically, a 45-second clip of a nature documentary, usually of a bird attracting a mate or of a male/female establishing dominance (whichever is a more appropriate ham-fisted analogy for your life situation at present). Don't worry, we'll loop it all day until it fits. We'll wait.
WNN 8:00 a.m.-8:00 p.m.: Anchor on 12-hour shift. There is only one anchor on the entire network. Too-large gaudy WNN logo takes up an entire quadrant of the screen. Said logo is just "WNN" in Arial Bold font in front of an animated spinning globe that they forgot to put any land on.
8:00 p.m.-12:00 a.m.: Helicopter shot that ruins your "I live in Anytown, USA!" construct by establishing that you are in Los Angeles just like everyone else in every other goddamn show ever.
Home Shopping Network
7:00:03 p.m.-7:00:06 p.m.: Actual clips from the real-life Home Shopping Network because they will seriously just give that shit away. Airs for the three seconds it will take you to channel surf from some other channel to this channel to to the news, where they are talking about you.
ESN
12:00 a.m. - 12:00 a.m.: The same college football game played over and over without any score graphics or anything else on the screen. Play-by-play man sounds exactly like the color commentator and exclaims "WHAT A PLAY!" after a four-yard rush up the middle. Volume decreases while you clench your fist and exclaim "dagnabbit" or some shit. Watch out. A guy is about to walk into the room and shoot you.
OK, everyone, listen. This afternoon, ESPN flashed a report across the bottom of the screen. The report concerned Tim Tebow, and it was of paramount importance. KSK's Christmas Ape managed to get a photo:
First of all: that isn't a very nice thing to say about Dustin Keller.
Second of all: we're supposed to rate that from 1 to 10 on the "impressive" scale? He's an NFL quarterback, yes? Let's give that about a 2.5. And if ESPN is gonna run with every 2.5-on-a-scale-of-10 Tim Tebow accomplishments, we can expect to see the following before long:
Report: Tim Tebow took a slice of bacon out of the package without having to take out the rest of the bacon/getting his fingers all greasy
Report: Tim Tebow figured out how to hook up the Sega
Report: Tim Tebow pedaled backwards on his 10-speed even though he was moving forward
Report: Tim Tebow got the tag thing off the sunglasses without having to go back into the Walgreens and ask for scissors
Report: Tim Tebow has won starting quarterback role with Jets
Let's square ourselves with a fact: the NFL is going to end. I mean, it's not like they're going to be playing games in 10 trillion years. There will be a Last NFL Game Ever. Will this be in 50 years? 500? 10,000? And how and why will it end?
Perhaps the NFL will end suddenly -- one week it's there, and the next, it isn't. Or perhaps the NFL will slowly evolve, further and further from what it is now, until one day we can no longer truthfully call it the NFL.
In either case, here are some possible scenarios I can think of, as well as some odds. This, as you might guess, is as much about America and the human race as it is about the NFL.
Human extinction - 4:1
Year of final game in NFL history: 2100
The Global Catastrophic Risk Survey, conducted at Oxford University in 2008, estimated a 19 percent chance of human extinction by the year 2100 -- most likely by nanotech weapons, a world war, or an engineered pandemic. With such a large scope, and with so many unknowns, I find it difficult to place much confidence in this figure. We'll roll with it anyway.
For lack of better understanding, let's suppose this 20 percent likelihood of human extinction remains constant throughout the remainder of human history. I think we ought to agree that all other possibilities that would lead to the NFL's end -- societal changes, etc. -- grow more probable as more time passes:
The idea of the NFL ending in the year 2013 for any reason other than human extinction or the collapse of our civilization are very, very low. But at some point in the future, those other factors will have had enough time to develop so that they're more likely to bring about an end to the NFL. When will we reach that point? 2050? 2200? It's difficult to say.
Societal collapse - 2.3:1
Year of final game in NFL history: 2100
Were American society to collapse, it would be just as sure to destroy the NFL as human extinction. It's certainly more likely to occur.
I don't believe that the present-day United States are in any real danger of collapsing, but human history is littered with the ghosts of fallen empires. Our world is certainly different than those of the Roman or Byzantine empires, and since humankind has only been developing civilizations for 15,000 years or so, we have a very limited sample size to pull from.
It could be argued, however, that time is "moving faster," so to speak, in the present day. For example, it took us over 2,000 years to evolve from the iron sword to the pistol. It took us about 1/15th that much time to progress from the railroad to landing on the Moon. As developments move faster, so do the systems that could bring about societal collapse, and new systems are born all the time.
Today NFL is arguably America's primary cultural institution. Indeed, one might have to take a wrecking ball to the latter to end the former.
Destroyed by the state - 4:1
Year of final game in NFL history: 2050
Over the last couple of years, during which concern over player health has reached a fever pitch, I've heard an occasional fringe opinion pop up here and there: that the American government might eventually outlaw football.
I find it far more likely (though still unlikely) that the government would step in and heavily regulate the league in an effort to make it safer ... but we should remember that this has almost happened before. In 1905, the year 18 football players died on the field, President Theodore Roosevelt threatened to ban organized football entirely unless sweeping changes were made.
The greatest danger is a dramatic turnabout in public sentiment. We've seen how swift and powerful the teetotalism movement and "Red Scare" were, and how capable they were of altering laws and policies.
Financial insolvency - 9:1
Year of final game in NFL history: 2075
At this point in history, it's very difficult to imagine the NFL going belly-up. In the 1990s, the already-popular league experienced a meteoric climb in popularity. It's enormously profitable.
Again, though: empires fall. Boxing has fallen hard over the last 20 years or so. Then again, boxing doesn't have the massive overhead the NFL does. If something dramatic happens, whatever it may be, that causes public interest in the league to decline, they're suddenly left with cavernous stadiums to fill, players to pay, ads to sell, and all sorts of other things, and if they couldn't scale back rapidly enough, the NFL could fold.
Perhaps game-fixing is uncovered and the game loses so much integrity that NFL fans leave en masse. Maybe a competitor finally emerges and succeeds where the USFL and Arena Football League failed, and runs the NFL out of business. Or maybe a yet-to-be invented sport captures the public interest so overwhelmingly that interest in the NFL withers and dies.
None of those scenarios seem especially likely, but all are entirely possible.
Evolves into an entirely separate entity - 9:1
Year of final game in NFL history: 2300
Nintendo started out making playing cards. RadioShack made leather long before they ever started selling electronics. Companies sometimes shift into completely different businesses and do completely different things.
It's very difficult to imagine what else the NFL would evolve into. Perhaps, after accumulated a few centuries' worth of resources, clout, and influence, the NFL becomes a political movement, or buys a chunk of land and becomes its own sovereign nation. Eventually, their biggest fish to fry are 20 times more important than their football game, so they phase it out.
This is scarcely imaginable at this point in history, but remember, we're talking about 500 years just as much as we're talking about 50.
Football is no longer interesting to an elevated society - 9:1
Year of final game in NFL history: 2500
Football fascinates us for now, but a shinier, more interesting toy is bound to come around eventually. As I said above, I think time is, in a sense, moving more quickly than it used to, and it figures to only pick up more speed.
They don't play football in Star Trek, is all I'm saying.
There are probably many strong possibilities I didn't account for. If you can think of any, please say so.
Michael Vick is the proximity mine from Goldeneye 007, and Jake Locker is the sword from The Legend of Zelda. Here, we preview every NFL quarterback in terms that spoiled children of the video game era can comprehend.
This NFL preseason has seen some of the most dramatic quarterback shakeups in years. Peyton Manning is on a new team. Rookies Andrew Luck, Robert Griffin III, Russell Wilson, Ryan Tannehill, and Brandon Weeden are being immediately thrust into starting roles. Some once-elite veterans, such as Philip Rivers, may or may not be able to return to form.
There's a lot to review before the 2012 season starts in earnest, so let's do that. And let's do it by comparing each quarterback to a video game weapon.
NFC East
MICHAEL VICK, EAGLES: Proximity mines (Goldeneye 007, Nintendo 64, 1997)
Allowing for proximity mines in a multiplayer Goldeneye 007 match was a statement of resignation. You go in thinking you'd be able to strategically plant mines in hallways and blind spots to brilliantly vanquish your opponent.
What really happens: you re-spawn next to the proximity mines, and your screen-looking friends instantly know where you are. You have no gun. You have five seconds until they find you. Oh God. Just throw the mines. Throw them everywhere. Doesn't matter where.
Vick, as usual, will last about 10 seconds this season before he's knocked out by a rib injury or something. But those are going to be a really, really fun 10 seconds. He's going to blow everyone up and everyone is going to die.
ROBERT GRIFFIN III, REDSKINS: Spectre (Twisted Metal, Playstation, 1995)
Robert Griffin III is really, really fast. His 40 time at the combine was faster than Cam Newton's, and for that matter, any quarterback in NFL Combine history aside from Michael Vick's. He is as fun to watch as Spectre -- which, as a vehicle in a car combat game, qualifies as a weapon -- was to drive.
Aside from blinding speed, Spectre possessed a supernatural power that allowed it to shoot through obstacles, thereby bending laws of logic. RG3 can do this, too:
TONY ROMO, COWBOYS: Chain whip (Road Rash II, Sega Genesis, 1993)
This isn't fair to Tony Romo, at all, but he has the look of a quarterback who's just kind of trying to survive. I see it whenever he makes a short throw. He throws with his arm and his arm only; the rest of his body is preoccupied with trying to simply endure football.
It's like a football game is a race to him. He'll play as much quarterback as he has to to get everyone off his back, but like a racer in Road Rash brandishing a chain with a free hand, he's really just racing for the finish line, praying for the game to be over. That is his metric for success: "is it over yet?"
ELI MANNING, GIANTS: Keshik (Civilization V, PC/Mac, 2010)
The Keshik is the signature unit of the Mongolian civilization. It's an archer on horseback, which means it can fire its arrows at you and run away in the same turn so you usually can't hit back. It's an hugely effective weapon, but up until this point, Mongolia is sort of an average civilization. You're best advised to keep to yourself and start as little trouble as possible until you research the necessary technologies to produce the Keshik. Then you go wreck shit.
Eli Manning is a perfectly serviceable quarterback during the regular season, but the Giants' best bet has been to spend the regular season researching metal casting and animal husbandry, and just wait it out until they reach the playoffs, where Manning has won eight of his last nine games. Last season, they won the Super Bowl despite finishing with a negative point differential in the regular season.
If the NFL ever releases a patch for its sport, I imagine this will be corrected.
NFC North
JAY CUTLER, BEARS: Baby Moses (Bible Adventures, NES, 1991)
Bible Adventures is kind of Internet-famous at this point for being a terrible video game. I had it as a kid. It was indeed a terrible video game, with one important caveat: it allowed you to pick up baby Moses and throw him. Throwing him didn't actually do anything, but of course, that didn't stop you from chucking him into the river. He was a hilarious and completely ineffective video game weapon.
Wherever the Bears go, which is probably not very far, they will have to drag Jay Cutler around with them. Huh? You want to draw up an offense game plan centered around Cutler? Eh. Could be good for a laugh, I guess.
MATT STAFFORD, LIONS: Gatling gun (Red Dead Redemption, 2010)
Red Dead Redemption, one of the greatest video games of all time, offered tons and tons of incredible moments, few of which were as awesome as Gatling gun missions. Like this Gatling gun, Matt Stafford -- who led the league in pass attempts last season -- has unlimited ammo.
You can't move anywhere when you're using the Gatling gun. Doesn't matter. The Lions have a weak running game and don't move much on the ground. Doesn't matter. Stafford's game, like this 19th-century angel of industrially-meted death, is loud, violent, and effective. Flat-footed murder.
AARON RODGERS, PACKERS: Stealth bomber (Rise of Nations, PC, 2003)
Rise of Nations was a real-time strategy game that started you as a Stone Age civilization, and you kept on building and researching until eventually, you became a nation with modern-day weapons.
This was amazing, because it allowed for one of the most surreal scenes I've ever seen in a video game. If your opponent was bad enough at the game, you'd have a fully-developed air force before they even figured out how to cast iron swords. So, like, they'd be living in log cabins and figuring out how to grow crops and shit, and all of a sudden? STEALTH BOMBERS. They send out like three assholes in chainmail. SORRY JUNIOR. NOT ENOUGH. POWWWW.
At their best, the Packers are an epoch ahead of most of the NFL, and Aaron Rodgers is their sonar-invisible terror in the sky.
CHRISTIAN PONDER, VIKINGS: Silver coin (King's Quest V, PC, 1990)
SIR I WOULD LIKE TO PURCHASE ONE OF YOUR CUSTARD PIES
THESE PIES COST ONE SILVER COIN EACH
I'VE GOT IT RIGHT HERE HERE YOU GO
I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR CUSTARD PIE
OH I'M SURE I WILL
The dialogue in King's Quest games is sort of like any conversation about the 2012 Vikings: hopelessly inane and inconsequential. This season, the Vikings will go to the bakery and purchase a delicious custard pie. No football will be played.
Michael Vick is the proximity mine from Goldeneye 007, and Jake Locker is the sword from The Legend of Zelda. Here, we preview every NFL quarterback in terms that spoiled children of the video game era can comprehend.
AFC East
TOM BRADY, PATRIOTS: Gravity gun (Half-Life 2, 2004)
Credit Spencer for this one. I asked him which video game weapon Tom Brady best personified, and he immediately said, "gravity gun." It's Belichickian in its brilliance: it just picks up any item that's lying around and wreaks destruction with it.
What's your ammunition? Well, what do you have sitting around? 5'9" undrafted wideout? CFL castaway? Semi-pro javelin thrower? Guy you met on the bus who knows a lot about, I don't know, sand? Yep, now they're all deadly instruments, fine-tuned to decapitate the rest of the league.
RYAN TANNEHILL, DOLPHINS: Knife (Wolfenstein 3D, 1992)
It was practically impossible to run out of ammo in Wolfenstein 3D, so there was never really any reason to use the knife. As well as I can figure, it only existed as a means of explaining how you killed the guard at the very beginning of the game. Thing is, the game starts right after you kill the guard. That's how determined the game programers were to make sure you never had to use it.
But eventually, "knife runs" became popular. If you wanted an extra challenge, you could try to beat the entire game using only your knife. The Dolphins' 2012 season is a knife run, and Ryan Tannehill is their knife. If this offense wants to succeed this season, it's going to need to be on the lookout for chicken dinners that are just sitting on the ground in the middle of the field by an industrious but absent-minded Nazi chef with poor organizational skills.
RYAN FITZPATRICK, BILLS: Debris launch (Silent Service, NES, 1989)
Silent Service, to this day, remains one of the greatest games of all time. Basically, you took your submarine, wandered around the WWII Pacific, and waged war using maps, engine controls, torpedos, and all this other stuff that should have been overwhelming for an eight-year-old to comprehend. That it wasn't is a huge credit to the people that made it.
Anyway, one of the many maneuvers you could attempt was the "launch debris" option. When activated, your sub would launch a bunch of garbage to the surface of the water -- the idea being that it might trick enemy ships into thinking you'd sunk so that you could make your retreat.
THIS NEVER WORKED. ONCE. EVER. Neither do Ryan Fitzpatrick's attempts to throw opposing secondaries off the trail, given that he led the NFL in interceptions last year.
There are absolutely no analogies to be made between the Bills and submarines. None. Next slide!
MARK SANCHEZ, JETS: Portal gun (Portal, 2007)
Between the mere presences of Rex Ryan and Tim Tebow, the thoroughly unreliable quarterbacking of Mark Sanchez, the team's penchant for defeating itself, and the 10 million crazies who cheer them on, the Jets are a work of mad storytelling brilliance. So is Portal.
Mark Sanchez could open a portal to victory if he aimed correctly. Instead, he sort of just looks up, blasts one window at the ceiling, then looks down and blasts another at his feet. In so doing, he, and the Jets franchise, are left to forever wander a confusing, endless, somewhat quirky nightmare.
AFC North
BRANDON WEEDEN, BROWNS: Cougar Magnum (Perfect Dark, Nintendo 64, 2000)
Brandon Weeden is a rookie. He's going to turn 29 in October. There's something anachronistic about that, and there's no greater anachronism in the "video game weapons" game than, "six-shooter in game set in the distant future."
Perfect Dark, the endlessly fun spiritual sequel to Goldeneye 007, was one of many games to do this. The year was, like, 2800 or something. You had an alien gun that was quasi-alive, a gun that shot through walls, a rocket launcher with a remote-controlled rocket ... and a Magnum. Who the Hell is going to use a Magnum 500 years from now? It'd be like using Windows in 2012.
JOE FLACCO, RAVENS: Launcher arm (Cyborg Justice, Sega Genesis, 1993)
The Ravens, who are coming off back-to-back 12-4 seasons, might be the favorite to win the AFC North in 2012. Their offensive line is solid, Ray Rice has emerged as an elite running back, there's talent at the wideout positions, and even after the loss of Terrell Suggs, their defense is still among the best in the league.
Joe Flacco, at quarterback, is the chair in the blanket fort that keeps tipping over. The criticism directed at Flacco isn't entirely fair -- even though 2011 was the worst season of his career, he wasn't terrible, just mediocre.
You wonder what this team could do if they had a great quarterback, and that brings us to Cyborg Justice. In this game, you were a robot who wandered around and fought a bunch of other robots. You could customize your robo-arm to be a circular saw, a laser cannon, a mace, or a flame thrower.
Flacco is none of those. He is the "launcher arm," one of the most ludicrous additions to a video game I've ever seen. You can see it briefly at the 0:12 mark of this video. When activated, the arm seriously just shot off, and after that you were just this sad-ass one-armed robot. Look for Flacco to do exactly one great thing per game.
ANDY DALTON, BENGALS: Bible verses (Bibleman, PC, 2005)
At the start of last season, the Bengals looked like they were in for a few seasons of losing and rebuilding. They had just endured a 4-12 season, their franchise quarterback was out the door, and their old receiving corps was crumbling. And yet, somehow, rookie Andy Dalton stepped in at quarterback to lead Cincinnati to the playoffs. Serious football experts could probably explain in rational terms how and why this happens, but I'm chalking it up to an act of God.
Similarly, Bibleman uses Bible verses to destroy his enemies, but the most important thing the two have in common is this: they exist in inhospitable environments. Bibleman, by all accounts, is a terribly-made game that is borderline unplayable. Trying to play your way through this game is like trying to win in the AFC North.
Oh, third thing in common: keep in mind that Dalton went to TCU. There are probably homeschooled kids across the country who think that both Dalton and Bibleman are ****ing awesome.
BEN ROETHLISBERGER, STEELERS: GEP gun (Deus Ex, PC, 2000)
Deus Ex is probably the best game I've ever played for a lot of reasons. One is the ability to play it in so many different ways. If you want, you can play through the entire game without killing a single person. Or, if you'd prefer, you can use a giant futuristic bazooka to solve all your problems.
The GEP gun made your character extremely slow, took a long time to fire, and took up so much room that you didn't have any room left over for first aid kits. Sounds like Roethlisberger to me.
Michael Vick is the proximity mine from Goldeneye 007, and Jake Locker is the sword from The Legend of Zelda. Here, we preview every NFL quarterback in terms that spoiled children of the video game era can comprehend.
AFC South
ANDREW LUCK, COLTS: Ocarina (The Legend Of Zelda: The Ocarina Of Time, 1998)
After a decade of dominance, the Colts' empire crumbled last year, and so they must call on Andrew Luck, a nine-year-old boy from the forest, to save them. With this team, there's no room for error. For him to succeed, he'll have to play every note perfectly. Look for Indianapolis fans to turn on him when the songs he plays don't really sound much like Hoobastank at all.
JAKE LOCKER, TITANS: Wooden sword (The Legend Of Zelda, 1986)
Let me stay in the Zelda universe for just another moment, and let me also admit to the fact that I have absolutely no idea of how well Jake Locker will do this season. He played well in a limited role last year, his O-line is pretty good, and his receivers are healthier than they were last year. With the Jaguars and Colts looking as sad as they do, playoffs are a very real possibility.
So I think I'm going to cop out on this one. Jake Locker is Link's wooden sword. If he's at full strength, he can shoot laser thingies out of it. If not, he'll have to walk directly up to receivers to give them the ball.
MATT SCHAUB, TEXANS: Gun (Asteroids, Atari 2600, 1979)
pew pew pewwww
What's the gun from Asteroids? It's a gun. Who's Matt Schaub? He's a quarterback. Completely nondescript and largely immobile, Schaub is boring as all get-out.
Don't misunderstand me: boring isn't necessarily bad. He's effective. He's quite a good quarterback, and the Texans have other playmakers/interesting personalities, such as Arian Foster, to keep the Houston Texans a fun television viewing experience. He's just sort of there, is all. He's just, "quarterback." But just as the first video game boom wouldn't have happened without Asteroids, the Texans couldn't do much of anything without Schaub.
God. That's the worst music I have ever heard.
BLAINE GABBERT, JAGUARS: Turret (Portal, 2007)
In Portal, you don't actually have a "gun" in the traditional sense. Your gun can shoot portals and pick stuff up, but that's it. The closest you get to having a gun is picking up a sentry turret, which will start pleading with you once you start running around with it:
who aaaaare you?
oh noooo
what are you dooooing
That turret is Blaine Gabbert. For the love of God, Jaguars, don't put him through this again. Last season he had the worst season a starting quarterback has had in years, and things don't figure to be much different this time around. Maybe get one of the groundskeepers to start a few games for him. SOMETHING. Poor fella.
please put me dowwwwwn
AFC West
PHILIP RIVERS, CHARGERS: Shock rifle (Unreal Tournament, 1999)
Unreal Tournament is a lot like the NFL in two ways: first, it's unbelievably fun if you're not horrible. Second, your plans are liable to go to shit. Everything moves so quickly and unpredictably that you're probably just best off running around and clicking "FIRE" at anything that looks like it's moving.
The game's Shock Rifle was always my favorite: long-range, highly accurate, and so powerful that it could throw an opponent halfway across the map. This is still Philip Rivers, I swear to God. It really is. He's a great quarterback who is coming off one relatively crummy season. Once in a while, your plans just aren't going to work out.
PEYTON MANNING, BRONCOS: Siege tank (StarCraft, 1998)
The siege tank, one of my favorite weapons from any real-time strategy game, was tremendously effective if you used it properly. In "Siege Mode," it used its massive shock cannon to vaporize legions of Zerglings in a single shot. The catch was that it couldn't move, and if you didn't want it to be destroyed, you had to surround it with support units.
Peyton Manning was already one of the NFL's least mobile quarterbacks. Now he's 36, in a new environment, and coming off neck surgery. As long as his O-line can protect him, look for him to plant both legs a foot in the ground and let loose in Denver's outer-space gravity.
CARSON PALMER, RAIDERS: Anything (Super Mario Bros. 2, NES, 1988)
Carson Palmer's career, I think, pretty neatly illustrates the transition from the original Super Mario Bros. and Super Mario Bros. 2. In the first act of his career, he was throwing fireballs in Cincinnati. He had plenty of great targets at wideout, notably Chad Johnson, and he had the likes of Cedric Benson and Rudi Johnson to help balance out the pass with the run.
Now, everything feels different. His running back in Oakland, Darren McFadden, is terrific but highly injury-prone, and his receiving corps is one of the thinnest in the league. So what's his weapon now? Anything. He's just gonna have to pull beets out of the ground and start chuckin' 'em. Might even take an offensive lineman and heave it over his head.
This, as always, will be polarizing. Half of Raiders fans will stand by Palmer, and the other half will point out that the game is totally just a ripoff of Doki Doki Panic.
MATT CASSEL, CHIEFS: Towers (WarCraft III, 2002)
All right. I've spent the last four pages making shitty reductive assessments of everyone else's quarterbacks, so now it's only fair that I roast mine.
Matt Cassel is possibly the least big-play quarterback in football. He just doesn't go for the bomb. He had his best season in 2010 because he existed in an environment in which he could just sort of dink and dunk his way down the field. His defense and running game were solid, so he didn't really have to play heroball.
His game is basically a tower rush. If you're not familiar, the "tower rush" is common in strategy games: basically, you build a string of little towers across the map until you reach your opponent's base. Individually, these towers are weak, but the idea is that they add up to offer a strong foothold in enemy territory.
Tower rushing is shitty and everyone hates it, but it's the only game Cassel has, really. And if everything else goes perfectly, it will work. Until the playoffs, anyway, because the Archmage has cast a spell on the Chiefs that prevents them from winning a playoff game ever again. That's a huge competitive imbalance, and I keep waiting for a patch. It will never come.
Michael Vick is the proximity mine from Goldeneye 007, and Jake Locker is the sword from The Legend of Zelda. Here, we preview every NFL quarterback in terms that spoiled children of the video game era can comprehend.
NFC South
CAM NEWTON, PANTHERS: Lightning (Mario Kart 64, Nintendo 64, 1997)
If you're in first place in a game of Mario Kart, you're never gonna get the lightning power-up. You'll get a banana peel or something. The lightning is reserved for the player who's stuck back in sixth place.
Like that player, the Panthers are not going to win, but they are going to wreak absolute havoc with Cam Newton. Newton, at his best, makes everyone else on the field look three feet tall. In the above video, we see the Panthers detonating the Falcons' playoff hopes in Week 14, just as they're going over the ramp.
He's called "Freeman." I couldn't not make him the crowbar.
Josh Freeman, who had the second-lowest yards-per-completion average in the NFL last season, is basically a melee weapon. The Buccaneers will have to use him to hack through a cavernous, Hellspawn-infested research laboratory (Florida), pausing occasionally to receive sardonic congratulations from a two-piece-suited man with nebulous intent (Roger Goodell).
This is perhaps the most obvious comparison on this list. Drew Brees distributes the ball in all directions, trashing every defense in sight. He figures to do so again this year, despite the absence of coach Sean Payton, who is serving a one-year suspension for using the Konami code.
MATT RYAN, FALCONS: Hunting rifle (Oregon Trail, PC/Mac, 1985)
Generic as all get-out. Also, whenever I watch a Falcons game, I can almost hear my fourth-grade teacher scolding over my shoulder. "OK, I think it's time to move on to the educational parts. You aren't learning anything here."
NFC West
RUSSELL WILSON, SEAHAWKS: DD44 Dostevei (Goldeneye 007, Nintendo 64, 1997)
Russell Wilson has been so lost in the Andrew Luck/RG3 discussion that a couple weeks ago, when I was looking through depth charts, it took me a minute to even remember who he was. He's the Dostevei: the nondescript pistol you think nothing of until you actually start using it. Is Wilson as good as the KF7 Soviets and RC-P90s of the league? No. But he's fun to use, and he sure as Hell ain't a Klobb.
ALEX SMITH, 49ers: Power line building tool (SimCity, PC, 1989)
welp, guess i'll build an offensive drive
wait, why are my receiver icons blinking?
oh, i guess i have to connect them to the quarterback, huh
[drags mouse]
ah dammit, i didn't draw it straight. whatever.
[waits]
i am bored.
"Citizens demand a Stadium."
sigh
SAM BRADFORD, RAMS: Steel claymore (Elder Scrolls: Oblivion, 2006)
The Rams are staggering through their own existential dungeon, picking up draft picks and other treasures along the way. They also acquired this giant, two-handed, heavy-ass sword in Sam Bradford. They could use him effectively if they were a Warrior, but they're more of a Mage, so they can't accomplish much of anything with him.
Still, he's worth some gold, so they just keep on dragging him through the dungeon. The Rams will probably end up trading Bradford away for a sackcloth tunic and a sprig of nirnroot, which ought to give their offensive-line some much-needed depth. Hello and welcome to my joke about the St. Louis Rams being bad.
JOHN SKELTON, CARDINALS: All the traps (Home Alone, PC, 1991)
The Arizona Cardinals are quite a resourceful little eight-year-old. In 2012, they're just going to kind of throw everything they have at the rest of the NFL -- including John Skelton, who is arguably the worst starting quarterback in the league. I say "all the traps," but Skelton is probably less "paint can trap" and more "implausibly elaborate Saran-wrap-and-feathers trap."
I never once beat this game when I was a kid. I was caught every time, and the game made no mention of any beshoveled neighbor to save you, leaving the implication that Harry and Marv probably just murdered Kevin. And just like that, a story they printed coloring books about became terribly macabre. Like, Arizona Cardinals macabre.
Bless this highly nutritious microwave quarterback and the people who sold it on sale.
(P.S. Kevin Kolb is the Klobb for every possible reason.)
I would like to announce an adjustment of the rules, friends. Previously, many West Coasters have been left out of this lunch-judgment enterprise, since they haven't, in fact, even eaten lunch yet. As such, I'll allow them to submit yesterday's lunch for review.
Anyway! If you've new here, this is what happens: y'all leave a comment below that describes your lunch. I will then rate it from 1 to 10, and try my best to explain my decision. Know that I am not out to shame or insult anyone, but ALSO KNOW that I will not hesitate to call your crummy lunch a crummy lunch. So if your lunch was made by your mother, you may want to ask yourself whether you are emotionally equipped in the event of a dismal score.
One final note: today is the birthday of Progressive Boink's own Kyle Daly! He's probably slumped behind a Circle-K as we speak, taking alternate sips from a Mad Dog 20/20 and a bottle of Hunt's ketchup, but one would assume he'll wander back at some point to see your well-wishes.
THE HOUR OF LUNCH JUDGMENT HAS ARRIVED. As usual, I will eventually have to throw in the towel to do Actual Work at my Actual Job, but I will try to rate as many lunches as I can.
